"Am I dying?"
These were words uttered by my grandma, my last remaining grandparent, to one of my aunts earlier today as she lay in her ICU bed.
Mortality is something we will all face, so when I heard my aunt retell this story, all I could think of saying is:
"Well, we all are dying right now."
Obviously not dying in the same way or at the same time. But all of us has an expiration date. Will it be tomorrow? Will it be 60 years from now? Who knows honestly.
Some of us are guided through this process by religion; some by other doctrines or life philosophies that guide us in our journey.
It's been a rough past couple weeks, as I learned that grandma was heading to the hospital with what seemed like a laundry list of things wrong with her. I knew it was a little more serious this time around than previous times, as her two siblings (one from the Atlanta area, another from downstate Illinois) came to visit to see how she was doing the previous weekend.
My mom was great in providing updates on her health, even though there's been very little good to report. Many of her vital organs seem to be failing her in some way. I don't care to get into all of it, but it seems like all of the problems she's had in the past are meeting together in a convergence that is making things difficult physically for her and emotionally for her daughters and the family.
Jen and I went to go visit her early Sunday afternoon. After putting on our scrubs and gloves, I went in and saw Grandma with a tube down her throat, unable to talk but can still communicate through some laser-type device hooked up to her right pointing finger. She spelled our names when we got there into my mom's hand as she read the letters she was "writing". It was really difficult to fight back tears. One of my aunts was doing as such, as I am guessing they have all been doing as they have been battling a lot of mental stress in deciding the best steps to proceed in this situation (none of which seem to offer much promise or are absent of severe complications). All I could do for her in that situation was give her a hug, as I think I will be doing a lot of in the next few weeks or so as this situation develops.
I was ecstatic that she is still mentally sharp, since she knew who we were still. She was able to hear everything we said and communicate her thoughts into my mom's hand. It was also very cathartic to sit next to her bedside and hold and rub her arm. It also made me really happy that Jen did the same thing. Not that she's got to worry about being part of the family, but it feels great that she can share in these moments when family is needed the most.
We spent about 30 minutes or so in the room and another 20-30 minutes in the waiting room before leaving the hospital. Before leaving her room, Jen and I said and signed "I love you" and grandma did the same.
It is tough and nearly impossible to deal with the failing health of a loved one that at one point in your life thought was invincible - I looked at all of my grandparents like that. My grandpas died months apart in my early teens, but I have been blessed to experience both of my grandmas (my dad's mom passing in 2011) into my adulthood.
I have also been blessed and extremely grateful for getting a chance to live within 5 miles of both of them - Grandma Bolek lived around the block while Grandma Raynor lived about a 10 minute car ride away. Not too many kids have that luxury, and believe me, it's not something I've ever taken for granted.
I don't know what comes after today. All we can do is hope for the best. We already have a terrific network of family and friends who will support grandma and each other through these rough times.
Thanks for reading this far. Some point soon, I will share more thoughts about Grandma. It had been a while since I have written my thoughts into this blog, but with everything going on here, feel it to be helpful to share.
Love you all.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
3/23/2014
12/19/2013
Much Love, And Even More Tears
It will never make sense. There will be more questions than answers. Perhaps no answers will ever exist.
The endless hours of the night, unable to sleep. Pillow soaked in tears. The pain of losing a loved one at such a young age seared in the back of the brain.
Wondering - what did we do to deserve this? Why him? Why now?
This is the living hell I picture for my friend's family - one that I proudly call a second family, an extension of my own flesh and blood. A family I have known for almost half of my life now.
I caught wind of the bad news when my friend called me - a friend that never calls me, mind you - as I was picking up my sick girlfriend from her work. Before this, I had dropped her off, and she had been desperately trying to reach me to come back to her work moments after I dropped her off.
Unfortunately, my phone had dropped out of my coat pocket sometime between carrying the garbage bag of cat litter to the trash and starting the car on my morning quest to drop her off at work. I retrieved it as I was about to pull into my parking spot, only to see an incoming call from her.
I thought that was going to be the worst call I would receive in the morning. In some ways, I wish I left my phone in the snow, so that in some magical world, none of the bad news that came from it in the proceeding 10 minutes actually happened.
But when I saw my friend's caller-ID pop up a few blocks away from picking her up, I wasn't sure what to think in those brief seconds. What could he be calling for - a pocket dial?
His voice was choking up. He told me the tragic news through the cracking. I couldn't believe any of it. Any of what he told me. I blacked out everything he said after the first initial sentence he said, so when I did get off the phone with him, I was crying myself, unable to recall to my girlfriend on how it actually happened, but that it happened.
As the high sun of the afternoon faded into the darkness of my Wednesday, I tried contemplating the tragedy from every conceivable angle. Random bouts of tears occupied the afternoon. And of course, I thought of a similar "gone way way too soon" situation with my cousin, who died of a brain tumor at a very young age.
I thought of that situation and how it rattled and shook the foundation of our family. I was too young to understand everything that was happening at that time, but the effects of that never leave the individuals directly involved. Every Christmas Eve is a reminder of my cousin's birthday (she would be 33 next week), a rough time for my mom's side of the family, particularly for my aunt and cousins.
Sadly, I know that it's a pain that never goes away. The "what ifs" of how that person's life would be now if they were still alive are limitless. This thought alone can keep you up at night - and it probably will quite often.
The only thing we can do as humans in these situations is to live our lives in their honor. Represent what they did and what they were in their short lives. Beacons of youth, energy, curiosity, bewilderment, hope. The smiles are burned in the back of our retinas.
Know that, while the pain may never go away, we can fondly remember the brief flicker of life that they did have, the joy they brought into our lives, and know that they are still with us in a spiritual sense.
My most sincere condolences to my friend's family - my family, our family. We're all here for you. Much love, and even more tears.
The endless hours of the night, unable to sleep. Pillow soaked in tears. The pain of losing a loved one at such a young age seared in the back of the brain.
Wondering - what did we do to deserve this? Why him? Why now?
This is the living hell I picture for my friend's family - one that I proudly call a second family, an extension of my own flesh and blood. A family I have known for almost half of my life now.
I caught wind of the bad news when my friend called me - a friend that never calls me, mind you - as I was picking up my sick girlfriend from her work. Before this, I had dropped her off, and she had been desperately trying to reach me to come back to her work moments after I dropped her off.
Unfortunately, my phone had dropped out of my coat pocket sometime between carrying the garbage bag of cat litter to the trash and starting the car on my morning quest to drop her off at work. I retrieved it as I was about to pull into my parking spot, only to see an incoming call from her.
I thought that was going to be the worst call I would receive in the morning. In some ways, I wish I left my phone in the snow, so that in some magical world, none of the bad news that came from it in the proceeding 10 minutes actually happened.
But when I saw my friend's caller-ID pop up a few blocks away from picking her up, I wasn't sure what to think in those brief seconds. What could he be calling for - a pocket dial?
His voice was choking up. He told me the tragic news through the cracking. I couldn't believe any of it. Any of what he told me. I blacked out everything he said after the first initial sentence he said, so when I did get off the phone with him, I was crying myself, unable to recall to my girlfriend on how it actually happened, but that it happened.
As the high sun of the afternoon faded into the darkness of my Wednesday, I tried contemplating the tragedy from every conceivable angle. Random bouts of tears occupied the afternoon. And of course, I thought of a similar "gone way way too soon" situation with my cousin, who died of a brain tumor at a very young age.
I thought of that situation and how it rattled and shook the foundation of our family. I was too young to understand everything that was happening at that time, but the effects of that never leave the individuals directly involved. Every Christmas Eve is a reminder of my cousin's birthday (she would be 33 next week), a rough time for my mom's side of the family, particularly for my aunt and cousins.
Sadly, I know that it's a pain that never goes away. The "what ifs" of how that person's life would be now if they were still alive are limitless. This thought alone can keep you up at night - and it probably will quite often.
The only thing we can do as humans in these situations is to live our lives in their honor. Represent what they did and what they were in their short lives. Beacons of youth, energy, curiosity, bewilderment, hope. The smiles are burned in the back of our retinas.
Know that, while the pain may never go away, we can fondly remember the brief flicker of life that they did have, the joy they brought into our lives, and know that they are still with us in a spiritual sense.
My most sincere condolences to my friend's family - my family, our family. We're all here for you. Much love, and even more tears.
9/30/2013
Reflecting on an old Buddy's Passing: Two Years Later
Time passes. Memories remain, even if the physical being does not.
Two years ago at the beginning of October, my family and I took our old dog Buddy for his last ride. The short six-minute car trip to the vet seemed like it lasted only six seconds, which especially sucked, given the nature of the drive and the empty car we came home with after a trip to the crematory where we had our last sights of his lifeless body.
I remember coming home to the emptier house, and while Pixie (her younger compadre) was not fully aware of what happened, you have to sense that she knew something was not right when we came back and her brother wasn't with us. The first time we let her outside to go to the bathroom, Pixie looked back at the door, as she usually followed her hobbling brother down the stairs - antagonizing him all the way down, biting his back legs as if she were in the wild herding sheep.
But this time, her brother was no longer there. At that moment, I knew she knew something was missing and terribly wrong. It was at that moment, I balled my eyes out (well, for about the 30th time that day anyways, but the first time since we got home from putting the old boy down).
I feel awful that my sister, who was living in Tennessee at the time, was not able to say good-bye to him, although I felt a little better knowing that anytime she came to visit, in the event something like this were to happen, she told me she would say her goodbyes, just in case.
On this particular day, I was less than two weeks into my relationship with Jen. I was not aware at the time, but earlier in the week was the first and only time that Jen would get to meet the stinky dog - also happened to be the first time she met my mom and dad - thanks for sticking all that out Jen!
As the afternoon developed that day, I was wondering if I would stick with my original Saturday evening plan of meeting with Jen and her friends at the bar many of them like to go to right next to their work, as Saturday at 5pm begins their weekends. I don't remember if I justified it this way when I made my ultimate decision of spending the night over at Jen's old place, but I don't know how well I would have done with spending the night in my old basement dwellings that night without my best friend laying right next to the bed, waiting for me to get up so he could hobble up the stairs with me to officially start the day.
Ultimately, I was glad I did go out and try getting away from the two tons of weight that the day had put on my emotional back. I was able to meet some of Jen's friends for the first time. I do remember telling some of them that I wish I had met them on a better day than this and that I may not be myself, but I doubt I needed to explain that given what happened.
I forgot exactly where me and Jen went out to dinner that night (I know it was close to Belmont and Sheffield), but I know it felt good to share my emotions with my new love as my old love had passed. In a brand new relationship, a moment like this can go a long way in determining what the future holds. Sharing my thoughts and enjoying dinner with Jen was as perfect of an end to my night as there could be to such an imperfect day.
As far as the two years that have passed, I wish I could say I've had Buddy in mind every day - because I haven't. But every now and then, when I walk into my office area (or what was planned to be my office area) and see the wallet-sized pictures I have of Buddy and Pixie from when my mom got them professional pictures, I occasionally tear up and always smile when seeing how excited Buddy was for his picture (and how timid and frightened his normally eccentric sister was).
It has been a while since I looked at the blog I wrote for him 18 hours preceding his passing. For those of you who haven't read it or those who would like to read it again, here it is: http://b-boknows.blogspot.com/2011/10/some-buddy-to-love-eulogy-to-this-mans.html. The love me and my family had for him has never died. I'd like to think if anything, the love we had for him is reflected in new loves in our lives: Jen, my nephew Brayden, and anyone else who has joined our lives in the past 2 years.
As the years go by, I'll likely remember October 1st just as well as any other important day of my life, including a later date in October (the 24th was when we put the first dog in my life down when I was 13). The big difference between the two dogs was that I didn't think there was any way in hell of a dog impacting my life the way my old dog Crimmy did. Also, I have full memory of Buddy's entire life, while Crimmy preceded me by a few years.
In both cases, I will always have a fond memory of my childhood and young adulthood living the first 28 years of my life with these two dogs. As I have developed a strong relationship with Jen's two cats (who are now "our cats" in my eyes), I hope to continue to have pets make such a strong impact on my life as they already have.
 |
| Two years flies fast |
Two years ago at the beginning of October, my family and I took our old dog Buddy for his last ride. The short six-minute car trip to the vet seemed like it lasted only six seconds, which especially sucked, given the nature of the drive and the empty car we came home with after a trip to the crematory where we had our last sights of his lifeless body.
I remember coming home to the emptier house, and while Pixie (her younger compadre) was not fully aware of what happened, you have to sense that she knew something was not right when we came back and her brother wasn't with us. The first time we let her outside to go to the bathroom, Pixie looked back at the door, as she usually followed her hobbling brother down the stairs - antagonizing him all the way down, biting his back legs as if she were in the wild herding sheep.
But this time, her brother was no longer there. At that moment, I knew she knew something was missing and terribly wrong. It was at that moment, I balled my eyes out (well, for about the 30th time that day anyways, but the first time since we got home from putting the old boy down).
I feel awful that my sister, who was living in Tennessee at the time, was not able to say good-bye to him, although I felt a little better knowing that anytime she came to visit, in the event something like this were to happen, she told me she would say her goodbyes, just in case.
On this particular day, I was less than two weeks into my relationship with Jen. I was not aware at the time, but earlier in the week was the first and only time that Jen would get to meet the stinky dog - also happened to be the first time she met my mom and dad - thanks for sticking all that out Jen!
As the afternoon developed that day, I was wondering if I would stick with my original Saturday evening plan of meeting with Jen and her friends at the bar many of them like to go to right next to their work, as Saturday at 5pm begins their weekends. I don't remember if I justified it this way when I made my ultimate decision of spending the night over at Jen's old place, but I don't know how well I would have done with spending the night in my old basement dwellings that night without my best friend laying right next to the bed, waiting for me to get up so he could hobble up the stairs with me to officially start the day.
Ultimately, I was glad I did go out and try getting away from the two tons of weight that the day had put on my emotional back. I was able to meet some of Jen's friends for the first time. I do remember telling some of them that I wish I had met them on a better day than this and that I may not be myself, but I doubt I needed to explain that given what happened.
I forgot exactly where me and Jen went out to dinner that night (I know it was close to Belmont and Sheffield), but I know it felt good to share my emotions with my new love as my old love had passed. In a brand new relationship, a moment like this can go a long way in determining what the future holds. Sharing my thoughts and enjoying dinner with Jen was as perfect of an end to my night as there could be to such an imperfect day.
As far as the two years that have passed, I wish I could say I've had Buddy in mind every day - because I haven't. But every now and then, when I walk into my office area (or what was planned to be my office area) and see the wallet-sized pictures I have of Buddy and Pixie from when my mom got them professional pictures, I occasionally tear up and always smile when seeing how excited Buddy was for his picture (and how timid and frightened his normally eccentric sister was).
It has been a while since I looked at the blog I wrote for him 18 hours preceding his passing. For those of you who haven't read it or those who would like to read it again, here it is: http://b-boknows.blogspot.com/2011/10/some-buddy-to-love-eulogy-to-this-mans.html. The love me and my family had for him has never died. I'd like to think if anything, the love we had for him is reflected in new loves in our lives: Jen, my nephew Brayden, and anyone else who has joined our lives in the past 2 years.
As the years go by, I'll likely remember October 1st just as well as any other important day of my life, including a later date in October (the 24th was when we put the first dog in my life down when I was 13). The big difference between the two dogs was that I didn't think there was any way in hell of a dog impacting my life the way my old dog Crimmy did. Also, I have full memory of Buddy's entire life, while Crimmy preceded me by a few years.
In both cases, I will always have a fond memory of my childhood and young adulthood living the first 28 years of my life with these two dogs. As I have developed a strong relationship with Jen's two cats (who are now "our cats" in my eyes), I hope to continue to have pets make such a strong impact on my life as they already have.
12/24/2012
A Letter to Santa - from a nearly 30-year old man
Dear Santa,
Now that your trek around the world has commenced, I'm sure you'll be a little too busy to read this, but whatever. Get around to it next week or beginning of 2013 when you've had a few days to rest off those billions of glasses of milk and even more billions of cookies. Good God, I hope you're not lactose intolerant. I feel sorry for Mrs. Claus.
Anyways...
I wanted to write to you today to let you know about a part of me that's been missing in my Christmases for many years now (perhaps 10 years, maybe a little less).
It's not a loss of loving the holiday - I still love everything that comes from Christmas. The parties, people getting together, enjoying time with both sides of my family (I'm a lucky man to be able to say this) as well as new family I've been accepted into from my girlfriend's side.
I guess the part of Christmas that I haven't been able to feel in a while is the feeling of innocence, where your existence was never questioned, even though there were plenty of signs that pointed to Papa and Mama Claus living inside my home. While I didn't recognize it when I was younger, my dad's handwriting on a chalkboard that we got for a Christmas gift sticks out to me much later in life.
I miss the being young part, not being able to sleep till later at night because I was so excited to wake up to Christmas gifts. I'd always be the one who woke everyone up - my parents, my sister and brother.
Now? I go to bed my normal time on Christmas and then we all wake up when we feel like it. Not at the crack of dawn like when we were kids. Now, a little extra sleep is what I look forward to on Christmas, not the gifts.
Maybe I need to experience Christmas from a parent's point-of-view, where they get to experience the joys of their kids as they tear through their carefully wrapped presents (editor's note: if it was up to me, I'd continue to wrap my future kids gifts in newspaper, as you've seen on FB pictures of mine before).
Don't get me wrong Santa. I still believe in the idea of you, or at least the positive aspects that you bring to the table. Your jolly spirit brings hope and smiles to children around the world. While your shopping mall impersonators may not do you justice, the fact that kids wait in line to see you for hours tells you just how much they love the idea of you.
The idea of believing in something or someone (or in my case, the lack thereof) is perhaps what slowly but surely faded my kid-like enthusiasm for Christmas.
In the meantime, I'll continue to enjoy the spirit of the holiday in other ways. I'll make sure to note the looks on my little cousin's faces when they open their gifts to soak in how I used to react to Christmases past.
Take care of yourself, stay in shape, and make sure not to pass too much gas in front of Mrs. Claus - she doesn't deserve that punishment.
All my best,
Brian
Now that your trek around the world has commenced, I'm sure you'll be a little too busy to read this, but whatever. Get around to it next week or beginning of 2013 when you've had a few days to rest off those billions of glasses of milk and even more billions of cookies. Good God, I hope you're not lactose intolerant. I feel sorry for Mrs. Claus.
Anyways...
I wanted to write to you today to let you know about a part of me that's been missing in my Christmases for many years now (perhaps 10 years, maybe a little less).
 |
| These people (and many additions since) are among many reasons why I will always love Christmas |
I guess the part of Christmas that I haven't been able to feel in a while is the feeling of innocence, where your existence was never questioned, even though there were plenty of signs that pointed to Papa and Mama Claus living inside my home. While I didn't recognize it when I was younger, my dad's handwriting on a chalkboard that we got for a Christmas gift sticks out to me much later in life.
I miss the being young part, not being able to sleep till later at night because I was so excited to wake up to Christmas gifts. I'd always be the one who woke everyone up - my parents, my sister and brother.
Now? I go to bed my normal time on Christmas and then we all wake up when we feel like it. Not at the crack of dawn like when we were kids. Now, a little extra sleep is what I look forward to on Christmas, not the gifts.
 |
| Another group of people I'll always try to get together with on Christmases |
Don't get me wrong Santa. I still believe in the idea of you, or at least the positive aspects that you bring to the table. Your jolly spirit brings hope and smiles to children around the world. While your shopping mall impersonators may not do you justice, the fact that kids wait in line to see you for hours tells you just how much they love the idea of you.
The idea of believing in something or someone (or in my case, the lack thereof) is perhaps what slowly but surely faded my kid-like enthusiasm for Christmas.
In the meantime, I'll continue to enjoy the spirit of the holiday in other ways. I'll make sure to note the looks on my little cousin's faces when they open their gifts to soak in how I used to react to Christmases past.
Take care of yourself, stay in shape, and make sure not to pass too much gas in front of Mrs. Claus - she doesn't deserve that punishment.
All my best,
Brian
6/21/2012
Moving On After Moving Out - A Reflection of Life After Three Weeks On My Own
It's the same place, but it isn't.
The roads all run the same directions that they always have, but driving down them almost feels like driving through a foreign area for the first time.
The faces look at me the same, but the way I look at them is much different than before.
In the three weeks I've been away from the place that I called home for almost 27 years, I've briefly visited there about twice a week. Each time I go back, a slow but steady progression towards this place not feeling like home sinks in.
Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with the people or pets that live there. They couldn't be any better of a family than one could ask for. I think this feeling has more to do with my new place feeling like an actual home.
With a nice living room set-up (about to get a step closer to complete with the rest of the furniture being delivered on Saturday), a nice comfy bed that me and the lady share (oh, and the cats share as well), and more and more things to call my own (like the beautiful grill), I think having a place of my own as well as owning some particular items for the first time is making me feel more independent. As a result, I feel like this place is home now, not the place in Oak Forest.
I admit, it's weird to go back home and see that my old room is already occupied by my sister, who had the room repainted and also adjusted the bed to a different spot of the room. This overhaul of life back at my old home is making me realize that I am happy with my new home.
It is weird seeing the faces of my family and realizing that I am just a visitor in their home. It doesn't change my love of them, but I can't help it for saying that it does change the way I view my relationship with them. Now more than ever, I view my moving out as a chance to have a new relationship with them, one where I talk to them on the phone or share talks with them online (except for my dad - I'd love to see him telling me all about his metal detecting adventures while talking on Facebook).
I look forward to this new relationship with them and the place I used to call home. I also look forward to having them as regular visitors in our home.
The roads all run the same directions that they always have, but driving down them almost feels like driving through a foreign area for the first time.
The faces look at me the same, but the way I look at them is much different than before.
In the three weeks I've been away from the place that I called home for almost 27 years, I've briefly visited there about twice a week. Each time I go back, a slow but steady progression towards this place not feeling like home sinks in.
Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with the people or pets that live there. They couldn't be any better of a family than one could ask for. I think this feeling has more to do with my new place feeling like an actual home.
With a nice living room set-up (about to get a step closer to complete with the rest of the furniture being delivered on Saturday), a nice comfy bed that me and the lady share (oh, and the cats share as well), and more and more things to call my own (like the beautiful grill), I think having a place of my own as well as owning some particular items for the first time is making me feel more independent. As a result, I feel like this place is home now, not the place in Oak Forest.
I admit, it's weird to go back home and see that my old room is already occupied by my sister, who had the room repainted and also adjusted the bed to a different spot of the room. This overhaul of life back at my old home is making me realize that I am happy with my new home.
It is weird seeing the faces of my family and realizing that I am just a visitor in their home. It doesn't change my love of them, but I can't help it for saying that it does change the way I view my relationship with them. Now more than ever, I view my moving out as a chance to have a new relationship with them, one where I talk to them on the phone or share talks with them online (except for my dad - I'd love to see him telling me all about his metal detecting adventures while talking on Facebook).
I look forward to this new relationship with them and the place I used to call home. I also look forward to having them as regular visitors in our home.
12/29/2011
Stairway out of '11: The Year That Was
The year that was - it was 2011.
Some great things entered my life, some went to heaven.
Goodbye to my wonderful Grandma, a great woman to all.
Always around for us whenever we'd rise and fall.
So long to my Buddy of 15 years, man's best friend.
The old man was loyal until the very end.
For the loss I had, there was plenty of good in my life.
I had a great pair of friends who took the dive
Into a marriage that was as unique as themselves.
Definitely something to keep in my memory shelf.
My Niners are surprising, no Christmas coal.
I'm crossing my fingers for a Super Bowl.
There was the usual Vegas trip (ok, two).
At least I won (wait, I did lose).
What was unusual was activity in dating.
In the past I was left alone and debating
An online route to meet a great girl
After a two-month relationship, I entered the online dating world.
Met a pretty ginger who has been amazing.
Feeling like a kid who is star gazing.
It's nice to have another half to make things whole
Someone to compliment the heart and soul.
With these things in my life, I have much to love.
My family and friends continue to fit me like a glove.
It's fun to grow old around all these fools I know.
The theatre of life, there's always a great show.
The Mayans say that the world will end soon.
I'll take my chances that day and sleep till noon.
For 2011 exits, 2012 will begin.
And hopefully I'll be singing this happy tune all over again.
Some great things entered my life, some went to heaven.
Goodbye to my wonderful Grandma, a great woman to all.
Always around for us whenever we'd rise and fall.
So long to my Buddy of 15 years, man's best friend.
The old man was loyal until the very end.
For the loss I had, there was plenty of good in my life.
I had a great pair of friends who took the dive
Into a marriage that was as unique as themselves.
Definitely something to keep in my memory shelf.
My Niners are surprising, no Christmas coal.
I'm crossing my fingers for a Super Bowl.
There was the usual Vegas trip (ok, two).
At least I won (wait, I did lose).
What was unusual was activity in dating.
In the past I was left alone and debating
An online route to meet a great girl
After a two-month relationship, I entered the online dating world.
Met a pretty ginger who has been amazing.
Feeling like a kid who is star gazing.
It's nice to have another half to make things whole
Someone to compliment the heart and soul.
With these things in my life, I have much to love.
My family and friends continue to fit me like a glove.
It's fun to grow old around all these fools I know.
The theatre of life, there's always a great show.
The Mayans say that the world will end soon.
I'll take my chances that day and sleep till noon.
For 2011 exits, 2012 will begin.
And hopefully I'll be singing this happy tune all over again.
12/23/2011
Holiday Spirit Year-Round: Why We Should Treat the Whole Year Like a Holiday
It's that time of year where everyone gets in a festive spirit, spends time with family and eats/drinks themselves silly. They buy gifts for others, hoping that their present is received with a wide smile.
Outside of those who either don't celebrate the holidays for personal or religious reasons, people are happy.
The real question is - why can't people have this "cheer" all year?
Do we force ourselves to be happy around the holidays because that's what we are supposed to do? Or are we genuinely happy?
If we're genuinely happy, then why can't this happiness extend beyond the holidays? We should be just as happy on a random day in April as we are on Christmas Day.
Ok, maybe it's because it gives us something to look forward to every year. The cyclical traditions that many cultures have on particular days hold special meaning to the people celebrating them.
I'm not trying to be a Scrooge. On the contrary, I think people who get into the holday spirit should carry a part of that spirit with them throughout the year. It'd make this enthusiasm that many of us seem to force actually become a genuine feeling that can be one spread out across the year.
Outside of those who either don't celebrate the holidays for personal or religious reasons, people are happy.
The real question is - why can't people have this "cheer" all year?
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| Why can't everyone be as happy as this bifocaled kid all year? |
Do we force ourselves to be happy around the holidays because that's what we are supposed to do? Or are we genuinely happy?
If we're genuinely happy, then why can't this happiness extend beyond the holidays? We should be just as happy on a random day in April as we are on Christmas Day.
Ok, maybe it's because it gives us something to look forward to every year. The cyclical traditions that many cultures have on particular days hold special meaning to the people celebrating them.
I'm not trying to be a Scrooge. On the contrary, I think people who get into the holday spirit should carry a part of that spirit with them throughout the year. It'd make this enthusiasm that many of us seem to force actually become a genuine feeling that can be one spread out across the year.
12/22/2011
Believe
On this day off from work, one that I was planning on taking anyways but a mild fever of 100 would have probably made me call my boss anyways like a wuss, I feel compelled to write again.
I wish I gave myself the time to write these blogs more. I feel like I get rusty with writing when I go weeks at a time without writing.
Anyways, this blog is a seasonal topic - the topic of belief.
During this time of year, it seems to make all the difference in the world as to whether you Believe or not. When you still Believe, your innocence is maintained. When you still Believe, you KNOW the gifts that you open are from the man at the North Pole.
Believing in something or someone is what separates adults from kids at this time of year. I think I was about 11 or 12 when I questioned my Believing in these seasonal things to my parents. After all, the writing was on the chalkboard - I remember getting a chalkboard as a kid and can distinctly remember the style in which Santa wrote his message on the board. It was CLEARLY my dad's handwriting. But back then, I was too young to play the role of CSI on the chalkboard writing sample.
After the myth was revealed, it wasn't like I stopped enjoying Christmas. I have a family I love spending time with every year - both immediate and aunts/uncles/cousins. But there is a part of that Belief being wiped out that makes Christmas lose its childhood luster.
Nowadays, like most adults I know, I get way more out of giving gifts than getting them. With most people I buy for, I go based off of gut feeling on what they will like rather than a list. I think it's only fair - after all, I waited until about two days ago to write a list to my mom of what I wanted for Christmas.
I think my full renewal into Belief mode will be when I become a Papa. It seems to me that coming full-circle on the whole getting gifts as a kid to giving gifts to my kids will get the Belief spirit back into me. Having a kid who Believes will turn me back into a kid myself.
The innocence will be renewed, and the cycle of Belief will continue. When that time comes, I think these last few sentences will prove to be prophetic.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa and whatever holiday around this time I missed (oh yeah, Happy Boxing Day) to everyone I know!
I wish I gave myself the time to write these blogs more. I feel like I get rusty with writing when I go weeks at a time without writing.
Anyways, this blog is a seasonal topic - the topic of belief.
During this time of year, it seems to make all the difference in the world as to whether you Believe or not. When you still Believe, your innocence is maintained. When you still Believe, you KNOW the gifts that you open are from the man at the North Pole.
Believing in something or someone is what separates adults from kids at this time of year. I think I was about 11 or 12 when I questioned my Believing in these seasonal things to my parents. After all, the writing was on the chalkboard - I remember getting a chalkboard as a kid and can distinctly remember the style in which Santa wrote his message on the board. It was CLEARLY my dad's handwriting. But back then, I was too young to play the role of CSI on the chalkboard writing sample.
After the myth was revealed, it wasn't like I stopped enjoying Christmas. I have a family I love spending time with every year - both immediate and aunts/uncles/cousins. But there is a part of that Belief being wiped out that makes Christmas lose its childhood luster.
Nowadays, like most adults I know, I get way more out of giving gifts than getting them. With most people I buy for, I go based off of gut feeling on what they will like rather than a list. I think it's only fair - after all, I waited until about two days ago to write a list to my mom of what I wanted for Christmas.
I think my full renewal into Belief mode will be when I become a Papa. It seems to me that coming full-circle on the whole getting gifts as a kid to giving gifts to my kids will get the Belief spirit back into me. Having a kid who Believes will turn me back into a kid myself.
The innocence will be renewed, and the cycle of Belief will continue. When that time comes, I think these last few sentences will prove to be prophetic.
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa and whatever holiday around this time I missed (oh yeah, Happy Boxing Day) to everyone I know!
11/18/2011
Thanks-Filled: What This Guy is Thankful For
With less than a week till Thanksgiving, we all have something to be thankful for. More importantly, we all have someone or many someones to be thankful for.
Some things to be thankful for:
Life - Hey, I'm still living and breathing as I type this, so I have to be thankful for that. Without it, I don't know you, and you don't know me. Maybe you don't want to know me - but tough.
Family - Granted, it's a collection of someones. But I think that lumping the family together is appropriate given what they do for me as a collective unit. I love my family - which yes, includes pets - and they love me back. There's no questioning this. I couldn't live without them. This includes immediate and otherwise.
Friends - I could probably leave this category out, since many of my friends have turned into family and are actually embraced as family by my own family. I feel like I'm in several families myself with the friends that I have gotten to know over the years. On one hand, you get a family based on birth, which is your real family. Once you grow older, this is when you pick your extended family (your friends). In both cases, my extended family and my real family are big parts of me and define who I am. I've always believed that the friends you have are a true reflection of who you are as a person. I have great friends, and I am a greater man because of it.
Employment - In this day and age, it can't be understated how good it is to have a steady job that pays the bills. I work with a great company with a great boss who has my back and appreciates the work that I do. In March, I will be going to Costa Rica on a company trip with these folks. I'm really happy to be with this company and the people who are in it.
Sports - Everyone who knows me and reads this blog knows of my passion for sports. Ever since I was the age of 5 or 6, I've been a sports nut. I'd wake up early even in grade school and watch the 30 minute Sportscenter on repeat 4-5 times over before going to school. I've memorized & internalized an unhealthy amount of sports facts and trivia. However, as I have become an adult, I realize the true role that sports have in my life. They are a distraction, they provide us entertainment and pointless arguments. At the end of the day when the game is over, we still have our lives to live. We still have all of the above things I've mentioned to appreciate. So my fellow sports fans: never lose perspective on what sports provide to us and how they should be in our lives.
(Digression alert: I usually try avoiding arguments with people and sports though - when our teams lose, many people think they are smarter than the coaches and general managers and think we can hire better coaches and design better plays and strategies, when in fact we don't know a tenth of what these guys know)
There's probably plenty more to be thankful for, but most of it in my life can be traced to the above items.
Like my reflection on Veterans last week, make sure that today and beyond, you appeciate and be thankful for everything good that is around you. Our time in this world is limited, so don't spend it being angry or upset.
Some things to be thankful for:
Life - Hey, I'm still living and breathing as I type this, so I have to be thankful for that. Without it, I don't know you, and you don't know me. Maybe you don't want to know me - but tough.
Family - Granted, it's a collection of someones. But I think that lumping the family together is appropriate given what they do for me as a collective unit. I love my family - which yes, includes pets - and they love me back. There's no questioning this. I couldn't live without them. This includes immediate and otherwise.
Friends - I could probably leave this category out, since many of my friends have turned into family and are actually embraced as family by my own family. I feel like I'm in several families myself with the friends that I have gotten to know over the years. On one hand, you get a family based on birth, which is your real family. Once you grow older, this is when you pick your extended family (your friends). In both cases, my extended family and my real family are big parts of me and define who I am. I've always believed that the friends you have are a true reflection of who you are as a person. I have great friends, and I am a greater man because of it.
Employment - In this day and age, it can't be understated how good it is to have a steady job that pays the bills. I work with a great company with a great boss who has my back and appreciates the work that I do. In March, I will be going to Costa Rica on a company trip with these folks. I'm really happy to be with this company and the people who are in it.
Sports - Everyone who knows me and reads this blog knows of my passion for sports. Ever since I was the age of 5 or 6, I've been a sports nut. I'd wake up early even in grade school and watch the 30 minute Sportscenter on repeat 4-5 times over before going to school. I've memorized & internalized an unhealthy amount of sports facts and trivia. However, as I have become an adult, I realize the true role that sports have in my life. They are a distraction, they provide us entertainment and pointless arguments. At the end of the day when the game is over, we still have our lives to live. We still have all of the above things I've mentioned to appreciate. So my fellow sports fans: never lose perspective on what sports provide to us and how they should be in our lives.
(Digression alert: I usually try avoiding arguments with people and sports though - when our teams lose, many people think they are smarter than the coaches and general managers and think we can hire better coaches and design better plays and strategies, when in fact we don't know a tenth of what these guys know)
There's probably plenty more to be thankful for, but most of it in my life can be traced to the above items.
Like my reflection on Veterans last week, make sure that today and beyond, you appeciate and be thankful for everything good that is around you. Our time in this world is limited, so don't spend it being angry or upset.
12/23/2010
Mehh-ry Christ-mehhs
I only look forward to a few things on Christmas these days- (1) the variety of sports, including an NFL game this year and (2) the time with family. The past couple Christmases, including the one that hasn't occurred just yet, seem void of something. Maybe it's the being single thing, maybe it's the getting older thing. I just don't give as much of a shit as I used to, not even close. Getting gifts has been overshadowed by the giving of gifts in terms of where I get the most joy. I suppose I shouldn't dwell on this blah feel that I get around this time of the year and just enjoy the "presence" of people around me -- terrible pun.
I suppose that's what I'll try doing....that and some Christmas cocktails.
NFL bets...streaking right now with totals (8 in a row), overall of 37-26, including 4-0 in week 15.
Thursday bet: Pitt/Car Under (37-38): Not sure what I'll get it at. I'm not worried about Troy being gone for Pitt. Car can run the ball, but that's where Pitt's strength (about 65 yards a game allowed a game) exists. I expect Pitt to run the ball a lot as well (35-40 times). Expecting a 24-7ish type of score.
Merry Christmas to my friends and family who read this, all 5 of you. If you're reading this- buy me something good because I'm sure I did the same for you.
-Brian
I suppose that's what I'll try doing....that and some Christmas cocktails.
NFL bets...streaking right now with totals (8 in a row), overall of 37-26, including 4-0 in week 15.
Thursday bet: Pitt/Car Under (37-38): Not sure what I'll get it at. I'm not worried about Troy being gone for Pitt. Car can run the ball, but that's where Pitt's strength (about 65 yards a game allowed a game) exists. I expect Pitt to run the ball a lot as well (35-40 times). Expecting a 24-7ish type of score.
Merry Christmas to my friends and family who read this, all 5 of you. If you're reading this- buy me something good because I'm sure I did the same for you.
-Brian
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