B List: We Need Fat Guys in the Olympics (List 12)

We're a week into the 2012 Summer Olympics, and I've enjoyed some of the action that's gone on so far. One of my favorite parts of the Games is watching how certain athletes react to getting silver and bronze medals - the less excited they are, the more likely they had astronomical expectations placed on them to win gold. I honestly think you should be able to appreciate any medal that you get, but then again, I'm not the one dedicating my life to these sports in hopes of winning a gold medal.

On a lighter, more comical note, I wonder if I'm the only one watching the Olympics and wondering what it would be like to watch fat guys do some of these events. Could you imagine a guy like Chris Farley doing parallel bars or trying to run the 100 meter dash?

Here's my list (a day late) of the Olympic sports I'd like to see fat guys compete in, a Fat Olympics if you will:

Disclaimer: I consider myself a fat guy, so it's okay for me to make fun of my own. In many of these sports below, I picture myself in these sports and just laugh.

7. Table Tennis - With the small size of the table, ball and paddle, you can't tell me that wouldn't be fun to watch. I keep thinking of the scene in Forrest Gump when he goes to China to play and how fast the game played. A game that plays fast with small equipment, how could you not be entertained by this? I am all for watching chubby folks battle it out on the table.



6. Canoe/Kayak Slalom - I'd like this event if only to say the line "Fat Guy, Little Boat". I hope Tommy Boy fans can appreciate that one. If you've never seen canoe/kayak slalom, it's basically trying to canoe through rapids, except it's a controlled environment. They have so many designated stations to maneuver in and out of, with penalties assessed if you don't go through the stations the right way. The skinny folks who compete in the events look like they could have a tough time squeezing into the kayak. I may be just as amused trying to watch someone like myself getting into the kayak as I would be watching myself desperately trying not to tip over into the rapids throughout the course, which takes Olympic folks about 100 seconds to complete but could take us big boned people a little longer.

5. Synchronized Diving - Imagine the years and years of training that two people have to do together to coordinate their Olympic-style dives. Same body type, using the same form as they jump at the same time from dozens of feet above the water. Now imagine that these two people are heavier - fat people that have to coordinate their body types and make the same exact dives in hopes of winning the Olympic gold. As you can see based on the picture on the right, it's hard enough trying to coordinate the same look as you ride motorcycles together (although it does help to be twins).  Imagine the diving version of this - two fat guys in swimming suits, doing the same twists, turns and flips as they descend in the Olympic-size pool that has no idea the hurting it is in for.

Imagine an Olympic sport with THIS GUY as an "athlete"

4. Beach Volleyball - Many of us have been to the beach where we see people who are just a little too proud of their body types. I am all for self-confidence in your body no matter its appearance, but beaches were not made for equal clothing rights. That's why beach volleyball would be a great sport to watch fat guys compete in. Think of the fattest guy you've ever seen without his shirt on. Now imagine him competing in the Olympics, attempting to use their two-inch vertical jump to spike a ball through the hands of an opponent who is hypnotized by the lava lamp movement of the spiker's "6 pack". That would be pure gold, and yes, that was a terrible Olympic pun.

3. Pole Vault - A pole that is meant to bend: meet a fat guy who bends just about every piece of silverware he uses. In the Olympics, the world record for the pole vault is over 6 meters (which is roughly 18 feet). Imagine a fat guy taking a running approach with this fiberglass pole and trying to launch himself over a pole that high. It's hard enough just imagining a fat guy running. More so than an actual track and field race, I'd prefer to see fat guys do the pole vault out of all track and field events. To see the stress that the pole would be under during this process would be worth the price of admission. To see the pole break would be even more amazing.


2. Trampoline - I wonder how many of you even knew that trampoline was a sport in the Olympics. If I need to go in depth on why this is funny, then I don't have the friends that I thought I had. Much like the pole in the pole vault, I would be intrigued at how well the Olympic-sized trampoline would hold fat guys trying to do acrobatics. If it's anything resembling this guy trying to dunk a basketball on a trampoline, then I may have to launch this to the top of the list of potential Fat Guy Olympic events.

1. Gymnastics - This sport would have all of the elements that we'd love to see together when it comes to fat guys and Olympic events - Tight clothes, balance beams and uneven bars, all trying to survive the stress of the fat guys who will be wearing them, trying to stand on without breaking, and attempting to swing back and forth between.


I apologize to anyone who can't find the humor in this list. But it's a proven fact - fat equals funny. And I believe the Fat Olympics would be a great concept that would warm the hearts of Americans, whose clogged arteries from the decades of Big Mac and Whopper consumption could one day dream of competing in the many events that the Fat Olympics would have to offer. Plus, you know the medal winners would smell the medals in the slightest hope that they were made out of chocolate.