The NFL draft is less than two days away. This year doesn't present as many great names as last year's class did. The Lucks, RG3's and Richardsons will make way for Geno Smith and other players considered less talented than their elders a year older.
So instead of projecting who each team will draft, I decided to figure out who each team would draft as a coach, assuming all coaches were made free agents. For the purposes of this coach draft, I will not allow for drafting of coaches who are not already coaches. Otherwise, the Oakland Raiders may wreck the curve and draft a high school coach with a great 40 speed.
Without further ado...we have Kansas City on the clock. Many mock drafts have the Chiefs taking Jim Harbaugh, whose mere presence has overturned a proud 49ers franchise from the depths of mediocrity into what looks to be a perennial winner.
"With the first pick in the 2013 Coaches Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select...Jim Harbaugh from the University of Michigan".
Great pick. Many in the green room are shocked that Belichick wasn't the first off the board, but the Chiefs are going with the hot up-and-comer with the raw skills. In his couple stints as a coach on both the college and pro levels, Harbaugh has experience in getting the most out of his quarterbacks. And wouldn't you know, the Chiefs traded for Alex Smith this offseason. This coaching pick couldn't have worked out any better. In addition to his coaching experience with Smith, Harbaugh has a speedster in the form of Jamaal Charles to work with. We've seen the kind of turn-around the Niners had in his two seasons. Expect to see the Chiefs contending for a playoff spot next year.
The Jacksonville Jaguars are on the clock. This pick seems to be academic. Before Shad Khan can have anyone second guess themselves, he runs to hand the envelope to Goodell himself.
"With the second pick in the 2013 Coaches Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select...Bill Belichick from Hoodie U."
Playing the best on the board card, the Jags are desperate for a coach who can lead them to consistent playoff berths. More than that, this team needs someone to save it from becoming a casualty of empty seat syndrome. He's going to need a lot of help gutting this roster, but trust that he will get the right offensive pieces in place to be competitive in 3-4 years. And if they don't, the hoodie he wears will become an easy way for him to hide.
Now, the draft room eagerly awaits the ghost of Al Davis, who has ascended from his suite in hell to make his annual April appearance in New York City. Will the Raiders disappoint? Let's find out.
"With the third pick in the 2013 Coaches Draft, the Oakland Raiders select....Jim Schwartz from Georgetown University."
And there is no disappointment here, except for Raiders fans (remember them, Al?). The Ghost of Davis was said to be in the market for a coach whose attributes the attitude of a Raider, and what better coach to draft than the one whose squads have led the world in penalties on and off the field in the past couple years. Davis felt shamed that his franchise was rising in the ranks of sportsmanship - hence the drafting of Schwartz. With his lack of NFL experience, Marc Trestman was considered to be a heavy favorite to be drafted here, but his successful background in Canada prevented The Ghost of Davis from making a move.
The Eagles have the fourth pick. With their cluster of likely-to-underachieve QBs, one pick makes perfect sense here. And no, it's not Andy Reid, nicknamed by some rude waiters as "Andy Feed" for his penchant of clearing all-you-can-eat buffets in 45 minutes from local restaurants.
Nope, the Eagles are likely going the route of another husky coach. Since we're not allowed to tip the picks on Twitter, I'll let you "figure" it out.
"With the fourth pick in the 2013 Coaches Draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select...Rex Ryan from Southwestern Oklahoma State University."
Who knows better how to handle a stable of mediocre QBs than Ryan, as noted by last season's miserable Jets campaign. Whether it was a butt fumble or completely ignoring the cat calls for Tim Tebow, Ryan did all he could to campaign for a seat in a Lovie Smith presidency, basically telling naysayers to fuck off and saying "Sanchez is our quarterback." (did you just say 'fuck off?' We're on air!). Don't worry, everyone tuned me out anyways.
And for the cheese steak shops worried about profit margins going down with Reid out of town, you can breathe a sigh of relief. You still have a rotund man as the coach for the Eagles.
Back to the picks. The Lions are the first team to draft without their original coach at the helm. What to do, what to look for. Rod Marinelli isn't available, much to the dismay of Detroit paper bag manufacturers. And they can't draft another wide receiver (sorry Mike Williams and Charles Rodgers).
The Lions look to be hesitating on their pick. They might take the full 15 minutes to make it. And just in the nick of time, the Lions submit their pick to the commish.
"With the fifth pick in the 2013 Coaches Draft, the Detroit Lions select...Sean Payton from Eastern Illinois University"
Everyone is shocked at this pick - shocked that the Lions made a great pick! Fresh off of his year-long suspension for his role in the bounty scandal, Payton's value increased tremendously. The Saints' drop off was largely credited to the absence of Payton, who made New Orleans into a perennial playoff contender. Payton may look to bring with him Gregg Williams in an effort to set an unbreakable record for penalties and penalty yards in a season.
Since you probably stopped reading (or mainly because I can't see myself doing this for 27 other teams), I will simulate the rest of the coaching picks and give a little blurb on each.
1. Kansas City Chiefs - Jim Harbaugh
2. Jacksonville Jaguars - Bill Belichick
3. Oakland Raiders - Jim Schwartz
4. Philadelphia Eagles - Rex Ryan
5. Detroit Lions - Sean Payton
6. Cleveland Browns - Mike Tomlin (knows the AFC North better than anyone, will overtake Pittsburgh)
7. Arizona Cardinals - Jason Garrett (Cardinals thought they had to draft a former QB for coach. Simple misunderstanding)
8. Buffalo Bills - John Harbaugh (how did the SB winning coach slip this far? He's just glad to be picked up by Buffalo before the Jets swooped him up)
9. NY Jets - Tom Coughlin (in an unusual twist for the severely punctual coach, Coughlin shows up 20 minutes late to his press conference. The first of many signs that show that the more things change, the more the crazy shit stays the same).
10. Tennessee Titans - Jeff Fisher (the city where he started welcomes him back with open arms, now that the Titans are ready for another 12 year stretch of playing for second place to the Colts)
11. San Diego Chargers - Marvin Lewis (disappointed that Norv Turner wasn't available to keep around for another five years of underachieving, the Chargers went with the most tenured coach who hasn't accomplished as much as his resume may seem. San Diego is hoping Lewis can cut back on his playoff appearances to keep with the annual tradition of pretending to show a pulse in December to save the ass of their coach.
12. Miami Dolphins - Mike Shanahan (as Shanahan looks to make a stop at every team who drafted a QB in 2012. Tannehill - watch your knees: you're fucked)
13. NY Jets - Greg Schiano (the league is aware that the Jets have two coaches but believe it provides them no competitive advantage. In trading Revis to the Bucs, it was only fair to get their coach who knows a thing or two about how to play till the very end, even if the game has already been decided. Somehow, the Jets thought it'd be a good idea for Schiano to coach w/ Coughlin, who was furious at Schiano's bull rush when Eli kneeled down. In other news, Goodell ok'ed Revis being player/coach/perennial whiner of being underpaid for Tampa Bay)
14. Carolina Panthers - Ron Rivera (the first team to draft the same coach they already had. Whispers around the league suggest the Panthers were just too lazy to figure out the names of the other coaches remaining in the draft)
15. New Orleans Saints - Mike McCarthy (The Saints are looking to score and allow the most points in NFL history. They have a good shot w/ McCarthy at the helm).
16. St. Louis Rams - John Fox (They figured he had the same initials as Jeff Fisher, so all the legal documents that required a J.F. can remain in tact. One problem solved.)
17. Pittsburgh Steelers - Rob Chudzinski ("We showed you," Rooney says to Browns brass for taking their old coach. A world where the Browns have a better coach than Pittsburgh - now you know this is a fictional writing)
18. Dallas Cowboys - Gus Bradley (Jerry Jones needed to find the most likely guy to pin blame on when the free agents, draft picks and trades he makes go sour. Since Garrett was shockingly picked earlier in the round, Jones was scrambling for a scapegoat. A guy named Gus - sounds like a winner in Jerry's book.)
19. NY Giants - Chuck Pagano (W/ Pagano's defensive background, the move makes perfect sense. Not too often that sentence has been uttered in this grueling round of draft picks).
20. Chicago - Marc Trestman (C'est la vie! The Bears are tres excited to get their coach back in the draft.)
21. Cincinnati - Andy Reid (He lasted this long? Cincy wants another coach they can tenure to .500 stardom)
22. Washington - Pete Carroll (The Rams traded their draft pick back to the Skins, who were somehow able to get the rising coach this late. The only catch: the guy whose nasty injury came at the hands of his old team will not be behind center for a while. Revenge - a dish best served cold)
23. Minnesota - Bruce Arians (an overachieving coach unites w/ an overachieving team)
24. Indianapolis - Gary Kubiak (He has the experience to take an AFC South team to first place finishes as he desperately coaches for his job)
25. Seattle - Chip Kelly (Minnesota traded back the pick, and what a fitting pick for the Seahawks. A successful Pac-12 coach succeeding another former Pac-12 coach. With Wilson, Harvin & Lynch, the former Oregon coach invents offenses that can only be understood when looking from space.)
26. Green Bay - Joe Philbin (Phibin's old ties to Green Bay make this move a perfect fit).
27. Houston - Lezlie Frazier (For the Texans, their choices were a bunch of guys named Mike, or a guy with a girl's first name. They chose the latter)
28. Denver - Mike McCoy (His background with the Broncos helps w/ this picks. What also helps: there's like no one else available)
29. New England - Mike Munchak (Brady helps Munchak become the next "greatest coach in NFL history who sucked at his previous gig")
30. Atlanta - Mike Smith (could this guy be any more disrespected? falls all the way back to his old team)
31. San Francisco - Doug Marrone (the 49ers flipped a coin with the remaining two coaches. Marrone was tails)
32. Baltimore - Dennis Allen (hey, he was the only guy left. Not Flacco's fault)
