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| Brian Scalabrine (far left) |
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| Brian Bolek |
One may think me and Scalabrine don't have much to compare to each other, but I'm ready to prove that wrong. Here's a tale of the tape between me and the red-headed Italian:
Height: Me: 5 foot 9; Scalabrine; 6 foot 9. Advantage: In hide and seek and houses with low ceilings: me; With women and everything else in life: him.
Weight: Me: about 220 right now; Scalabrine: 235. Advantage: Scalabrine wins all-around, considering that's probably a normal weight for his height and mine is obese.
Hair color: Me: Brown; Scalabrine: Gingery. Advantage: Me. Duh.
Job title: Me: Sales Support Specialist for a consulting company; Scalabrine: Suit Model for the Chicago Bulls. Advantage: Me, because I don't have to leave the comforts of my home to work and also don't even need to wear clothes.
Salary: Me: close to 50K; Scalabrine: $1.2 million (per basketball-reference.com data). Advantage: Scalabrine, by a landslide
Salary broken down by $ earned per minute worked: Me: 2000 hours worked, so 120,000 minutes. $0.41/minute worked; Scalabrine: 88 minutes played (18 appearances), $13,636.36/minutes worked. Advantage: Clearly me....wait, I mean him.
Chances of making the NBA Hall of Fame, per basketball-reference.com: Me: (Data not available); Scalabrine: Hall of Fame Probability Active 0.000 (181) Career 0.000 (1050). Advantage: Me. Data not available means I could have been a hall of famer if I wanted to be. I just prefer not to live in the limelight.
Chances of picking up random chicks at Chicago bar: Me: See Scalabrine's Hall of Fame odds; Scalabrine: 100%. Advantage: Scalabrine
People we hang out with: Me: degenerate gamblers, drunkards, obese people; Scalabrine: Derrick Rose, Kevin Garnett. Advantage: Sorry, Scally wins this. Nothing against you people. If any of you learn a cross-over dribble and can make $13 grand per minute worked in a year, then we'll talk. (Editor's note: It should be noted that the people I hang out with all have my traits, so you could essentially say I hang out with myself and it'd be accurate).
Final score: Scalabrine wins 6-3.
If I tried comparing myself to any of the other Bulls players, I'm sure I'd win more categories. But it's Scalabrine we're talking about here. I dare you to find a dude with a sweeter job in Chicago right now....
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Yeah, that's what I thought.
