The Inaugural Boley Awards - 2011 Version

Inspired by the ESPYs, the sports award show that airs during one of the most dead days of sports, I wanted to create the Boleys, a list of random awards that I will give to random categories in my life. I may add to this if there's enough interest in this piece, so stay tuned.


Best 2011 Purchase: Nominees: Brian Scalabrine Jersey, New I-Pod Classic, Big Lebowski mirror
....and the winner is: Brian Scalabrine Jersey.

This narrowly edged out the mirror as purchase of the year. The jersey has had more of a chance to be recognized- wearing it during the Bulls' extended playoff run definitely helped with that. Every time I wore the jersey out to a bar, I received at least one positive comment from a complete stranger, who seemed shocked that someone would waste spend $70 on a jersey for a guy who played less than two hours of basketball throughout the 82 game schedule. The mirror will carry more value when I get my own place and it has a featured place.

Best Song in My Head from the Past Year That You Probably Never Heard Of: Nominees: Nappy Roots "Infield", N*E*R*D - "Maybe", Local H - "Toxic"


...and the winner is: "Maybe". Sure, it's not a song that was released this year, but it may be the best song from a group that does not get enough credit in my opinion. It may have close to a million views on YouTube, but I know a lot of my friends have never heard it. Something about the lyric "Maybe the laugh's on me, and life was telling me a joke" that makes me consider this one of my favorite songs in general. I highly recommend listening to Local H's version of Toxic - a cover of the Britney Spears song.

Best Thing I Am Looking Forward to in the Next Couple Weeks: Nominees: Hosting Hot Dog Eating Contest, NFL Lockout ending, Guest Starring in my friends' show "Three Guys, One Room"

...and the winner is: NFL Lockout ending. As much fun as the other two things will be to witness, the impact of the NFL Lockout ending will have long lasting implications in the rest of my 2011. First, it will give me the chance to exercise my fantasy football dominance again after taking 2010 off. Second, I am looking to match/exceed my good luck gambling last year, which reaped me about a grand in profits. And most importantly, it will assure that my Sundays in the Fall and early Winter will not be spent searching for ways to fill the void of an NFL-less existence. Now the most important thing - the lockout actually needs to end.

Best Summer Drink: Nominees: Bud Light Lime, Summer Shandy, Sam Adams Summer Ale

...and the winner is: Summer Shandy. This should be no surprise to people who know me, but this was a close race in terms of my favorite summer drink. I haven't had Shandy in a while, mainly because the times I've imbibed lately have been situations where the bar either didn't have Shandy or people that I am with want to drink buckets. Most of my friends who are more wide-versed in beer would probably choose Sam Adams among the three, but I'd put that right behind Bud Light's Lime (even though BLL is not a specific summer beverage, it is more marketable during the summer).

TV Show that I've Taken for Granted the Most Until Watching in Syndication: Nominees: How I Met Your Mother, Yes Dear, My Name is Earl


...and the winner....wait for it.....is: How I Met Your Mother. Of all networks, I've been catching this show on Lifetime and feel like I'm almost caught up to the season that just ended. This will be the next TV show that I collect DVDs for. It is well-written and does a great job of connecting previous plot points into its ongoing story on how Ted meets his future wife. I think this show is featured on Monday nights (maybe that's changed), which is when I always watch Monday Night Football in the fall. In the spring, I'm usually watching something else or am busy in an activity where I don't watch TV.


Feel free to submit categories that I will award Boleys to, and I will add to this blog. Keep the suggestions tasteful, please.

Jersey? Sure

(Fan Blog 2 of 6 - idea courtesy of Chris Williams)
Judge: The case of Rick Reilly v Adult Jersey Wearers of America is now in session.

We've already heard the prosecution's case against the Jersey Wearers from Mr. Reilly, which he wrote in late 2010 and recited to the court, as seen here: Reilly. Several witnesses called up by the prosecution have stated their case that adults should not wear jerseys to preserve societal order at sporting events and to create a more family-friendly environment.

Would the defendant please take the stand to be examined?

Defendant Lawyer (DL): When you read this article by the head of the prosecution, how did you feel after reading it?

Man in Scalabrine Jersey (MSJ): To be quite honest, I was caught off guard by this blanket judgement of jersey wearers. Mr. Reilly has never seen me at sporting events and bars enjoying a drink or eight, with people coming up to me and bowing to me for wearing this jersey every time I go out. It's mainly douchebags who come up to me, but they come up to me and praise me for wearing it nonetheless. Hell, I've worn the jersey more than the man has himself.

DL: So what you are telling the court is that your encounters as an adult jersey wearer have been nothing but positive?

MSJ: Well, it did set me back $75 - and the site even gave me a chance to get out of buying the jersey by requiring me to customize the jersey. Sad thing was, I wasn't even drunk when buying it.

DL: I think you're misunderstanding me. What I meant was: when going out to the bars and games, you've enjoyed nothing but praise from douchebags....I mean drunken Bulls fans, correct?

MSJ: That is correct.

DL: So if Rick Reilly were to be watching this, what would you have to say to him about grown men who wear jerseys?

MSJ: Very simple, my man. It's not the jersey that makes an idiot. The person who starts fights at games was born an idiot. A jersey just gives the general public an easier way to identify them. Like, 'Hey, look at that guy in the Urlacher jersey calling the Packers fan a Fudge Packer, ain't that funny?' No, it's not, dude. Lay off Grandma's cough syrup and move to Moscow. Hopefully you'll freeze to death, and heaven help us if you already produced offspring. D-bags don't fall far from the tea bag.

Not sure what that meant, but anyways. It's my right as a non-asshole American to wear a jersey and root on my team, no matter what bar or sporting venue I may be at. I will not be afraid of these idiots who aim to ruin my good time.

DL: I rest my case your honor.


Judge: Do you wish to cross-examine the Jersey Wearer of the man who logged 88 minutes of court time in the regular season?

Prosecuting Lawyer (PL): With pleasure...

PL: So, Scalabrine lover, please explain to me why you bought the current jersey you are wearing.

MSJ: Well, I went out with a couple of friends to watch some basketball games. And I've always joked around about buying a Brian Scalabrine jersey, but never had the balls to do it. Then, I saw the myth himself, Scalabrine, step on the court against the Washington Wizards in the last minute of a blowout game. Chicago designed a play for him from the end line, and what do you know- he banks the shot in! Road crowd goes nuts, me and my friends go nuts. It was an awesome moment.

PL: So you're saying that a man whose total time played this year was about the length of a crappy Summer comedy release had an awesome moment at a meaningless point of the game. Why the jersey?

MSJ: Why not? I figured I'd be the only one who had it - and sure enough, I have not seen another one of his jerseys yet.

PL: I have a hunch on that one. So you say you've never experienced any distaste for your jersey?

MSJ: Well, the ladies never praise it, but most of them probably don't even know who he is. Hell, Scalabrine's mom makes him wear the jersey at Thanksgiving dinner just so she remembers his name. Mind you, she does not have Alzheimer's.

PL: But other than that, no ill will directed your way?

MSJ: None.

PL: Would you say that perhaps you've never experienced any negative feedback simply because nobody even knows who this man is? You admitted yourself that his mom doesn't even know who he is.

MSJ: It's possible, but even while wearing my San Francisco 49ers' Frank Gore and Patrick Willis jerseys, I've never had anyone come up to me and want to start something.

PL: Who are the San Francisco 49ers? A Canadian Football League team?

MSJ (looking at the judge): Is this guy serious?

PL: From what I can tell, you wear obscure jerseys of teams/players that no one gives a shit about. I dare you to wear an Aaron Rodgers jersey to Soldier Field.

MSJ: Why would I do that, I....

PL (interrupting): See, your Honor. Even he knows that wearing a Packers jersey in Bear town is dangerous.

MSJ: You didn't let me finish. I was gonna say, I don't give two shits about the Packers.

PL: What are you, chicken?

MSJ (to judge again): Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this guy?

Judge: If we're going to resort to baiting of the Marty McFly sort, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask the prosecution to leave the stand.

PJ: I know you are, but what am I?

Judge: Zip up your pants, Pee Wee. This ain't a peep show.

Judge (cntd): Frankly, I'm appalled that I even wasted the taxpayers' money on this case, but that's the government for ya (courtroom laughs). While the prosecution made its case in presenting witnesses and victims of violence from jersey wearers, one thing remains clear. It is not in my jurisdiction to tell people what they can and cannot wear to sporting events. An idiot is going to be an idiot whether he is wearing a jersey, a business suit or a birthday suit. Likewise, people who go to games in jerseys are just as likely to be victims of violence as those who wear a plain t-shirt and jeans.

The court rules in favor of the Adult Jersey Wearers of America. Court is adjourned. Please get the hell out of my courtroom - all of you. I have a 2pm appointment with blond twin escorts and I don't intend on being a minute late.

Life of Brians: The Tale of the Tape between Me and Scalabrine



  

Brian Scalabrine (far left)

 Brian Bolek

One may think me and Scalabrine don't have much to compare to each other, but I'm ready to prove that wrong. Here's a tale of the tape between me and the red-headed Italian:

Height: Me: 5 foot 9; Scalabrine; 6 foot 9. Advantage: In hide and seek and houses with low ceilings: me; With women and everything else in life: him.

Weight: Me: about 220 right now; Scalabrine: 235. Advantage: Scalabrine wins all-around, considering that's probably a normal weight for his height and mine is obese.

Hair color: Me: Brown; Scalabrine: Gingery. Advantage: Me. Duh.

Job title: Me: Sales Support Specialist for a consulting company; Scalabrine: Suit Model for the Chicago Bulls. Advantage: Me, because I don't have to leave the comforts of my home to work and also don't even need to wear clothes.

Salary:  Me: close to 50K; Scalabrine: $1.2 million (per basketball-reference.com data). Advantage: Scalabrine, by a landslide

Salary broken down by $ earned per minute worked: Me: 2000 hours worked, so 120,000 minutes. $0.41/minute worked; Scalabrine: 88 minutes played (18 appearances), $13,636.36/minutes worked. Advantage: Clearly me....wait, I mean him.

Chances of making the NBA Hall of Fame, per basketball-reference.com: Me: (Data not available); Scalabrine: Hall of Fame Probability Active 0.000 (181) Career 0.000 (1050). Advantage: Me. Data not available means I could have been a hall of famer if I wanted to be. I just prefer not to live in the limelight.

Chances of picking up random chicks at Chicago bar: Me: See Scalabrine's Hall of Fame odds; Scalabrine: 100%. Advantage: Scalabrine

People we hang out with: Me: degenerate gamblers, drunkards, obese people; Scalabrine: Derrick Rose, Kevin Garnett. Advantage: Sorry, Scally wins this. Nothing against you people. If any of you learn a cross-over dribble and can make $13 grand per minute worked in a year, then we'll talk. (Editor's note: It should be noted that the people I hang out with all have my traits, so you could essentially say I hang out with myself and it'd be accurate).

Final score: Scalabrine wins 6-3.

If I tried comparing myself to any of the other Bulls players, I'm sure I'd win more categories. But it's Scalabrine we're talking about here. I dare you to find a dude with a sweeter job in Chicago right now....

.......

.......

.......

.......

Yeah, that's what I thought.



#1s with Some Bullets

Some bullet points of a blog today:

• I have officially bet the entire AL Central to win the World Series. Before the season started, I threw $20 on the Sox at 21/1 odds (20 to win 420). I just checked all of the team's odds in the AL Central outside of the Sox and they were all 40/1 or over. So I threw $6 on KC (80/1 odds), $8 on the Twins (60/1 odds) and $10 each on the Indians and Tigers (both 40/1). Whether this proves to be a dumb strategy is a non-arguing point (I know it's stupid). I guess I figured if my Sox bet was gonna be shot in October, I might as well insure myself with the rest of the division at such high prices.
• Two trains of thought with the Bulls after going up 2-0 in the series: (1) Being on a double digit win streak, they're clearly doing something right, so no use in complaining on how they win, just as long as they win vs. (2) A #1 seed such as the Bulls with the supposed MVP should be destroying the Pacers on their home court, where they've shown themselves to be a dominant force, not letting them hang around (or in Game 1's sake, hold a lead the entire game up until the last minute). Both points can be argued. I don't think the Bulls can play like this against the Heat or Celtics (or even the Magic/Hawks) and expect to advance to the Finals.
• Speaking of the Bulls, I wore the Brian Scalabrine jersey again yesterday. I believe I have worn the jersey more than he has in 2011, and in about a quarter of the time.
• First day without class, so that means going to a bar of course. Well, for a friend's birthday. I don't want to make going to bars a habit, but I don't want to be trapped at home either this summer. Especially considering I work from home. So if you're reading this, GET ME OUT OF THE HOUSE!
• Just pulled the trigger on the Knicks for Game 2 tonight. I pegged them winning one of the first two games at Boston, so figured it was worth the risk at +275 for $35.
• Looks like The Playoff Stubble that I spoke of last week is about right for the Blackhawks, who are on the brink of elimination. I say they pull out a couple of wins here just to tease everyone, but then lose in Game 6.

....coming soon in the next day or two, a Scalabrine article that you will definitely want to read. Stay tuned.

World Series Bets Placed:

96124773	TNTODDS TO WIN 2011 WORLD SERIES [11108] CLEVELAND INDIANS +4000 $10.00 $400.00
96124774	TNTODDS TO WIN 2011 WORLD SERIES [11110] DETROIT TIGERS +4000 $10.00 $400.00
96124775	TNTODDS TO WIN 2011 WORLD SERIES [11113] KANSAS CITY ROYALS +8000 $6.00 $480.00
96124776	TNTODDS TO WIN 2011 WORLD SERIES [11117] MINNESOTA TWINS +6000 $8.00 $480.00

Brian Scalabrine: The White Mamba

Seriously, who the hell owns a Scalabrine jersey?

No truth to the rumor that he got the # 24 for the number of minutes he plans on playing this year.

Why did I waste $75 on a jersey from a guy who has played 18 games out of 65+ team games and averages about 3-4 minutes a game?

I've fallen hard for the White Mamba, as Stacey King has nicknamed him. Get to about the 20 second mark of the video to see it.

I've also heard his nickname from the guys on 670am, The Score, call him The Human Victory Cigar. This nickname implies that he comes in during garbage time and helps wrap up victories. Lately, that has been the case. In his last 8 appearances, the Bulls have won all 8. Out of the last 7 games, Scal has played a total of 11 minutes and 39 seconds. That's roughly a minute and a half per game appearance.

Is someone other than Scalabrine himself wearing his jersey? What has this world come to?
Even Scalabrine would wear a Rose jersey if it was legal in the NBA rules.

And to give you some perspective, Scal has only played 6 total games in the 2011 calendar year. For how good the Bulls have been lately and with games getting out of hand late occasionally, I'm surprised he hasn't been used more.

In case you were wondering, basketball-reference.com has assessed Scal's chances of making the Hall of Fame at 0.0000%. Sorry if that ruins anything for you. I think kids learn about his HOF chances before they learn about Santa, the Easter Bunny and other shameless corporate symbols.

In contrast, his black counterpart, the Black Mamba (Kobe Bryant) was one of two current players with 100.00% chance of making it (Shaq was the other).

I still wonder why I got the jersey, but then today I was reminded of why I bought it. Classmates and authority figures alike felt the power of the Scal jersey. I can't say I blame them. Look at how much sexier I look with it on:

Oozing machismo right here. His jersey sales are gonna go up 2000% after this blog reaches about 7 people.
Buy the man's jersey, people! You can't get any better looking without one.

2010-2011 NBA predictions/ day 1 bet

Opening bet of the day: Houston/LA Under 195( $44 to win $40): Kobe injury and limited minutes (30 max), Yao adding a defensive presence for about 24 mins and the distraction of the ring ceremony for the Lakers should keep this game close and likely low scoring. Six of their last eight, including a few playoff games, have gone under the total.

Enjoy these predictions and feel to add some of your own...

(1) LeBron reveals he is a woman and leads the NY Liberty to a championship.
(2) Kevin Durant breaks his leg tripping over a Dwight Howard free throw that lands near the Thunder bench.
(3) Chris Bosh gets home sick, refuses to leave Canada following Miami's first game in Toronto. Toronto offers 10 of Jose Bautista's home runs in exchange.
(4) As he leads the NBA in scoring, Brian Scalabrine starts up a Boston Celtics cheerleading squad composed entirely of curly-haired gingers.
(5) Allen Iverson accidently attends several practices for his Turkish basketball squad, causing him to be fined 5000 Turkish lira.
(6) Inspired by all the bad records Brett Favre has set this season, Don Nelson comes out of retirement to coach Cleveland, Minnesota, Golden State and New Jersey simultaneously to expand on his career loss record as coach.
(7) Locks of Love refuses the hair donation of Joakim Noah, to the delight of leukemia patients that'd rather be bald.
(8) Shawn Kemp comes out of retirement and has a kid with Eva Longoria. NBA scorekeepers give Tony Parker the assist.
(9) To pass the time before he gets traded, Carmelo Anthony puts the "high" in "Mile High" and is seen watching Scooby Doo cartoons on his I-phone and eating family-sized bag of Cheetos during halftime and TV timeouts.
(10) Blake Griffin only averages 5 points a game due to his unfortunate ability to get lost inside of Baron Davis' beard. Clippers soon learn that's where many of their wins have been hiding, but do nothing about it.