Life of Brians: The Tale of the Tape between Me and Scalabrine



  

Brian Scalabrine (far left)

 Brian Bolek

One may think me and Scalabrine don't have much to compare to each other, but I'm ready to prove that wrong. Here's a tale of the tape between me and the red-headed Italian:

Height: Me: 5 foot 9; Scalabrine; 6 foot 9. Advantage: In hide and seek and houses with low ceilings: me; With women and everything else in life: him.

Weight: Me: about 220 right now; Scalabrine: 235. Advantage: Scalabrine wins all-around, considering that's probably a normal weight for his height and mine is obese.

Hair color: Me: Brown; Scalabrine: Gingery. Advantage: Me. Duh.

Job title: Me: Sales Support Specialist for a consulting company; Scalabrine: Suit Model for the Chicago Bulls. Advantage: Me, because I don't have to leave the comforts of my home to work and also don't even need to wear clothes.

Salary:  Me: close to 50K; Scalabrine: $1.2 million (per basketball-reference.com data). Advantage: Scalabrine, by a landslide

Salary broken down by $ earned per minute worked: Me: 2000 hours worked, so 120,000 minutes. $0.41/minute worked; Scalabrine: 88 minutes played (18 appearances), $13,636.36/minutes worked. Advantage: Clearly me....wait, I mean him.

Chances of making the NBA Hall of Fame, per basketball-reference.com: Me: (Data not available); Scalabrine: Hall of Fame Probability Active 0.000 (181) Career 0.000 (1050). Advantage: Me. Data not available means I could have been a hall of famer if I wanted to be. I just prefer not to live in the limelight.

Chances of picking up random chicks at Chicago bar: Me: See Scalabrine's Hall of Fame odds; Scalabrine: 100%. Advantage: Scalabrine

People we hang out with: Me: degenerate gamblers, drunkards, obese people; Scalabrine: Derrick Rose, Kevin Garnett. Advantage: Sorry, Scally wins this. Nothing against you people. If any of you learn a cross-over dribble and can make $13 grand per minute worked in a year, then we'll talk. (Editor's note: It should be noted that the people I hang out with all have my traits, so you could essentially say I hang out with myself and it'd be accurate).

Final score: Scalabrine wins 6-3.

If I tried comparing myself to any of the other Bulls players, I'm sure I'd win more categories. But it's Scalabrine we're talking about here. I dare you to find a dude with a sweeter job in Chicago right now....

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Yeah, that's what I thought.