Jersey? Sure

(Fan Blog 2 of 6 - idea courtesy of Chris Williams)
Judge: The case of Rick Reilly v Adult Jersey Wearers of America is now in session.

We've already heard the prosecution's case against the Jersey Wearers from Mr. Reilly, which he wrote in late 2010 and recited to the court, as seen here: Reilly. Several witnesses called up by the prosecution have stated their case that adults should not wear jerseys to preserve societal order at sporting events and to create a more family-friendly environment.

Would the defendant please take the stand to be examined?

Defendant Lawyer (DL): When you read this article by the head of the prosecution, how did you feel after reading it?

Man in Scalabrine Jersey (MSJ): To be quite honest, I was caught off guard by this blanket judgement of jersey wearers. Mr. Reilly has never seen me at sporting events and bars enjoying a drink or eight, with people coming up to me and bowing to me for wearing this jersey every time I go out. It's mainly douchebags who come up to me, but they come up to me and praise me for wearing it nonetheless. Hell, I've worn the jersey more than the man has himself.

DL: So what you are telling the court is that your encounters as an adult jersey wearer have been nothing but positive?

MSJ: Well, it did set me back $75 - and the site even gave me a chance to get out of buying the jersey by requiring me to customize the jersey. Sad thing was, I wasn't even drunk when buying it.

DL: I think you're misunderstanding me. What I meant was: when going out to the bars and games, you've enjoyed nothing but praise from douchebags....I mean drunken Bulls fans, correct?

MSJ: That is correct.

DL: So if Rick Reilly were to be watching this, what would you have to say to him about grown men who wear jerseys?

MSJ: Very simple, my man. It's not the jersey that makes an idiot. The person who starts fights at games was born an idiot. A jersey just gives the general public an easier way to identify them. Like, 'Hey, look at that guy in the Urlacher jersey calling the Packers fan a Fudge Packer, ain't that funny?' No, it's not, dude. Lay off Grandma's cough syrup and move to Moscow. Hopefully you'll freeze to death, and heaven help us if you already produced offspring. D-bags don't fall far from the tea bag.

Not sure what that meant, but anyways. It's my right as a non-asshole American to wear a jersey and root on my team, no matter what bar or sporting venue I may be at. I will not be afraid of these idiots who aim to ruin my good time.

DL: I rest my case your honor.


Judge: Do you wish to cross-examine the Jersey Wearer of the man who logged 88 minutes of court time in the regular season?

Prosecuting Lawyer (PL): With pleasure...

PL: So, Scalabrine lover, please explain to me why you bought the current jersey you are wearing.

MSJ: Well, I went out with a couple of friends to watch some basketball games. And I've always joked around about buying a Brian Scalabrine jersey, but never had the balls to do it. Then, I saw the myth himself, Scalabrine, step on the court against the Washington Wizards in the last minute of a blowout game. Chicago designed a play for him from the end line, and what do you know- he banks the shot in! Road crowd goes nuts, me and my friends go nuts. It was an awesome moment.

PL: So you're saying that a man whose total time played this year was about the length of a crappy Summer comedy release had an awesome moment at a meaningless point of the game. Why the jersey?

MSJ: Why not? I figured I'd be the only one who had it - and sure enough, I have not seen another one of his jerseys yet.

PL: I have a hunch on that one. So you say you've never experienced any distaste for your jersey?

MSJ: Well, the ladies never praise it, but most of them probably don't even know who he is. Hell, Scalabrine's mom makes him wear the jersey at Thanksgiving dinner just so she remembers his name. Mind you, she does not have Alzheimer's.

PL: But other than that, no ill will directed your way?

MSJ: None.

PL: Would you say that perhaps you've never experienced any negative feedback simply because nobody even knows who this man is? You admitted yourself that his mom doesn't even know who he is.

MSJ: It's possible, but even while wearing my San Francisco 49ers' Frank Gore and Patrick Willis jerseys, I've never had anyone come up to me and want to start something.

PL: Who are the San Francisco 49ers? A Canadian Football League team?

MSJ (looking at the judge): Is this guy serious?

PL: From what I can tell, you wear obscure jerseys of teams/players that no one gives a shit about. I dare you to wear an Aaron Rodgers jersey to Soldier Field.

MSJ: Why would I do that, I....

PL (interrupting): See, your Honor. Even he knows that wearing a Packers jersey in Bear town is dangerous.

MSJ: You didn't let me finish. I was gonna say, I don't give two shits about the Packers.

PL: What are you, chicken?

MSJ (to judge again): Seriously, what the hell is wrong with this guy?

Judge: If we're going to resort to baiting of the Marty McFly sort, then I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask the prosecution to leave the stand.

PJ: I know you are, but what am I?

Judge: Zip up your pants, Pee Wee. This ain't a peep show.

Judge (cntd): Frankly, I'm appalled that I even wasted the taxpayers' money on this case, but that's the government for ya (courtroom laughs). While the prosecution made its case in presenting witnesses and victims of violence from jersey wearers, one thing remains clear. It is not in my jurisdiction to tell people what they can and cannot wear to sporting events. An idiot is going to be an idiot whether he is wearing a jersey, a business suit or a birthday suit. Likewise, people who go to games in jerseys are just as likely to be victims of violence as those who wear a plain t-shirt and jeans.

The court rules in favor of the Adult Jersey Wearers of America. Court is adjourned. Please get the hell out of my courtroom - all of you. I have a 2pm appointment with blond twin escorts and I don't intend on being a minute late.