Life of Brians: The Tale of the Tape between Me and Scalabrine



  

Brian Scalabrine (far left)

 Brian Bolek

One may think me and Scalabrine don't have much to compare to each other, but I'm ready to prove that wrong. Here's a tale of the tape between me and the red-headed Italian:

Height: Me: 5 foot 9; Scalabrine; 6 foot 9. Advantage: In hide and seek and houses with low ceilings: me; With women and everything else in life: him.

Weight: Me: about 220 right now; Scalabrine: 235. Advantage: Scalabrine wins all-around, considering that's probably a normal weight for his height and mine is obese.

Hair color: Me: Brown; Scalabrine: Gingery. Advantage: Me. Duh.

Job title: Me: Sales Support Specialist for a consulting company; Scalabrine: Suit Model for the Chicago Bulls. Advantage: Me, because I don't have to leave the comforts of my home to work and also don't even need to wear clothes.

Salary:  Me: close to 50K; Scalabrine: $1.2 million (per basketball-reference.com data). Advantage: Scalabrine, by a landslide

Salary broken down by $ earned per minute worked: Me: 2000 hours worked, so 120,000 minutes. $0.41/minute worked; Scalabrine: 88 minutes played (18 appearances), $13,636.36/minutes worked. Advantage: Clearly me....wait, I mean him.

Chances of making the NBA Hall of Fame, per basketball-reference.com: Me: (Data not available); Scalabrine: Hall of Fame Probability Active 0.000 (181) Career 0.000 (1050). Advantage: Me. Data not available means I could have been a hall of famer if I wanted to be. I just prefer not to live in the limelight.

Chances of picking up random chicks at Chicago bar: Me: See Scalabrine's Hall of Fame odds; Scalabrine: 100%. Advantage: Scalabrine

People we hang out with: Me: degenerate gamblers, drunkards, obese people; Scalabrine: Derrick Rose, Kevin Garnett. Advantage: Sorry, Scally wins this. Nothing against you people. If any of you learn a cross-over dribble and can make $13 grand per minute worked in a year, then we'll talk. (Editor's note: It should be noted that the people I hang out with all have my traits, so you could essentially say I hang out with myself and it'd be accurate).

Final score: Scalabrine wins 6-3.

If I tried comparing myself to any of the other Bulls players, I'm sure I'd win more categories. But it's Scalabrine we're talking about here. I dare you to find a dude with a sweeter job in Chicago right now....

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Yeah, that's what I thought.



Brian Scalabrine: The White Mamba

Seriously, who the hell owns a Scalabrine jersey?

No truth to the rumor that he got the # 24 for the number of minutes he plans on playing this year.

Why did I waste $75 on a jersey from a guy who has played 18 games out of 65+ team games and averages about 3-4 minutes a game?

I've fallen hard for the White Mamba, as Stacey King has nicknamed him. Get to about the 20 second mark of the video to see it.

I've also heard his nickname from the guys on 670am, The Score, call him The Human Victory Cigar. This nickname implies that he comes in during garbage time and helps wrap up victories. Lately, that has been the case. In his last 8 appearances, the Bulls have won all 8. Out of the last 7 games, Scal has played a total of 11 minutes and 39 seconds. That's roughly a minute and a half per game appearance.

Is someone other than Scalabrine himself wearing his jersey? What has this world come to?
Even Scalabrine would wear a Rose jersey if it was legal in the NBA rules.

And to give you some perspective, Scal has only played 6 total games in the 2011 calendar year. For how good the Bulls have been lately and with games getting out of hand late occasionally, I'm surprised he hasn't been used more.

In case you were wondering, basketball-reference.com has assessed Scal's chances of making the Hall of Fame at 0.0000%. Sorry if that ruins anything for you. I think kids learn about his HOF chances before they learn about Santa, the Easter Bunny and other shameless corporate symbols.

In contrast, his black counterpart, the Black Mamba (Kobe Bryant) was one of two current players with 100.00% chance of making it (Shaq was the other).

I still wonder why I got the jersey, but then today I was reminded of why I bought it. Classmates and authority figures alike felt the power of the Scal jersey. I can't say I blame them. Look at how much sexier I look with it on:

Oozing machismo right here. His jersey sales are gonna go up 2000% after this blog reaches about 7 people.
Buy the man's jersey, people! You can't get any better looking without one.