Best Man Speech: The Jeffrey & Amber Bolek Edition

The speech, as I read it at the reception - 7-7-12. Feel free to steal anything here. Just credit me for it.

And thank you to everyone who came up to me and said my speech was a good one. Means a lot.

Good evening everyone. My name is Brian, or as some of you might know me as, Farty Pants. Thank you for joining in the celebration of Jeff and Amber’s marriage. I will try to make this as painless of a best man speech as possible. I’ll spare you the stories of the teasing that me and my cousins would do to him by calling him Personal Pan Peff when we were little or the story of Jeff spitting on me because he thought I spit on him when it was really a bird that pooped on his head.

This guy, who I have the privilege of calling my brother, has been the greatest brother a guy could ask for. We’re the only two in the family that can say they were born in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (although I’m not sure that’s something to brag about).

My initial memories of my brother stem from his days in leg braces, back when he was around 4 or 5 years old.  That period of time was the only time he was ever slowed down, ever. And the braces didn’t even do a good job of that. When he got them off, he suddenly became the fastest guy I knew. He hasn’t sat still since he was born. If he wanted to pull a Forrest Gump and run back and forth between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, he could have (and still could). In addition to his speed, he’s always been one of the strongest guys I know (whisper…and don’t tell him this, but I think he could beat me up).

One thing I’ve always admired about my brother is his loyalty to his friends and family. I’ve heard countless stories about friends of his that seem to find themselves trouble, only for my brother to step up in a time of need and get that friend out of trouble. I can remember a time when I needed a ride from the 12:30am train and he was there in Oak Forest to pick me up…except I ended up falling asleep and waking up in Tinley Park and couldn’t contact him because my phone died. Funny enough, he knew of my tendency to fall asleep on trains, so he was driving around both Tinley stops looking for me at about 2am. I eventually found a pay phone and sure enough, he was already looking for me at both stops.

Getting back to his personal life, I’d say I was jealous of Jeff’s popularity. When I wasn’t toting this beer gut, I was a proud Mathlete with bifocals. Luckily, Jeff didn’t have such interests or vision problems. He always had girls interested in him from a very young age. Although I have to honestly say, none of them matched the overall beauty of his bride Amber.

Amber is the perfect girl for Jeff in every which way—with the way she loves him and takes care of him and ESPECIALLY with the way she gets along with him. I love him to death, but he is not the easiest guy to get along with—it has to take the patience and loving of a saint to deal with him 24/7. To that Amber, I wish you good luck—you’re gonna need it.

In all seriousness, you two are perfect for each other, and I know it’s going to last. Not because of anything I just mentioned above. No. Amber, you have done something today that Boleks have failed to do for the past two decades –you have got him to ditch shorts for a day to wear a pair of pants. So to make Jeff feel comfortable the rest of the night, I figured I’d lend him a pair. Sorry to tell you this Amber, but this is my wedding gift to you guys. (Hands shorts to Jeff). Yes, I did write that into my speech.

In closing, I’d like to say to you both—thank you for letting us be a part of your day. It is fitting that on today’s date 7/7, two people could be so lucky and come together as one. I can’t wait to see you two grow old together. A toast to the newlyweds.

B List - Dos and Don'ts of Best Man Speeches (List 8)

I am on the eve of giving a speech to the best brother a man can ask for. It's a speech that I take great pride in, a speech that I want to have an impression on the people attending the wedding.

Since I have made myself contractually obligated to create a B List every Friday, I decided to look at a website that features the do's and don'ts of best man speeches. Here are 7 of the do's and don'ts that stand out and how I rate myself according to each one.

7. Do have a drink to loosen up. Don't have 10 drinks to loosen up. This shouldn't be a problem. I'll probably have a couple beers at the house here before the wedding. I definitely don't want to be slurring my words during my speech. Later on in the night, say around 11:30pm, I make no guarantees.

6. Do flatter the bride. This won't be a problem either. Amber is a great girl, especially for my brother. I already have a chunk of my speech dedicated to her.

5. Don't wing it. This is something I couldn't do. I have things I would say without the benefit of a written speech, but I'm not good enough at just coming up with an entire speech on the fly. The speech is written, with a few things in it that I could add on the fly I'm sure. But by no means could I wing it completely.

4. Don't read it from a sheet of paper. I don't think I'm going to obey this one, unless I get around to writing some of it on note cards. I've already wrote it out on a word document. I'm probably just going to disobey this one and hope I don't rely completely on the piece of paper.

3. Do Keep It Short.  I don't know this guy's definition of short, but it won't take up an entire hour. I'm sure it'll take a few minutes though. And that's what she said. I won't give you the satisfaction of finishing that one...and that's what she said again.

2. Do Balance It Out. Again, I should have this covered by mentioning Amber in a chunk of my speech. I don't see how someone could give a speech that focuses solely on one person, even if you don't know either the bride or groom very well.

1. Don't Say Anything Dirty. I'm not sure if the word "Damn" is considered dirty. If it is, I may be saying something dirty. Perhaps I should browse the speech one more time to make sure I don't have anything too bad in it. I have to consider the half of the people that I don't know when giving this speech.

Nah, fuck it.

Busy B - The Week Ahead (List 7)

I planned on writing about the BCS stuff that happened earlier this week and how I think the new system will be even more of a joke, but that will have to wait for another time - I will get to this at some point.

Today's list is as self-centered as it could possibly get. This is a list of my favorite 7 things coming up in the next week. I will have the next week off of work for several reasons, some of which will be discussed below. I won't go too in depth about each one because frankly, I'm lazy and kinda rushing this blog.

Note - this does not include my brother's wedding, which is in 8 days.

7. White Sox game - July 5th: Yesterday, I decided to buy Jen and myself 2nd row seats along the first base line near where the ball girl (also known at US Cellular as a security officer) sits. I've had similar seats before, so that's why this doesn't go further down the list.

6. RibFest in Naperville: I've never gone to one of these things before, so I'm glad I'm able to go this year.  Jen and I are going with her brother and his fiance. I should wear a plain white shirt and record the proceedings. With how messy I am, it could be a video that goes viral.

5. Fireworks in Peru: I'm going to be catching a fireworks show at Jen's aunt and uncle's in a town in western Illinois (Peru). I say it like this because I'm not sure the average person knows much about this. It should be interesting to see if they do any better of a show than these other folks or if it lives up to my theory that most firework shows are the same (a fireworks racist, I am not). It'll be fun seeing fireworks with the g/f for the first time though.

4. Writing the Best Man Speech: I have yet to start this, although I have an idea of what I'm going to say. I need to keep my crowd in mind when writing it. Funny speeches are really hard to write, especially when you don't know half of the people.

3. Meeting Jen's Dad for the first time: I'm looking forward to meeting her old man. It's been a while coming.

2. Bachelor Party: I won't be that tool who uses the word EPIC to describe what tomorrow will be like, so anyways, tomorrow will be legend.....WAIT FOR IT.....dary. Yeah, I went there. It's not a complicated set-up: a party bus is driving us to whirlyball, then back to the casino in Joliet. With how exciting this day should be, how could this be only #2 if the wedding is not included?

1. Picking Up the Tux: Not sure why, but this action will get me in the ultimate wedding mood. Something about looking like a sexy beast in a tux does it. Also, the whole picturing myself standing next to my brother as he marries the girl of his dreams thing too.

It's going to be a great week. A great week.

Half in the Bag - 2011's first 6 months from my experiences

My first seconds of 2011 were spent doing what many people were doing - at a party with some friends, enjoying some adult beverages and good food. Ordinary as it may seem, it set the tone for a year for me that has seen its good and bad; its happy and sad; no Mothers Day gift to Mom nor Fathers Day gift to dad (yet); people that we now have in our lives and people that we had. The things that stand out the most, chronologically~

Saaaaaakeeeeeeee!

Jan 2nd - Another successful birthday at Stoney Point betting on the ponies and hanging out with the best friends a guy could ask for. I'll remember the sake bombs that we took that day at the Japanese restaurant and the lady mocking my last place finish (of 4) in the sake bomb drink-off- "You a loser, ha ha ha."

Mid Jan - 2nd round of NFL playoffs and meeting up with Nick and Chris, a couple of old high school friends. We've hung out a handful of times since, often sharing old Mathlete stories and debating just how awesome Brian Scalabrine is. I'm glad that the old Nerd crew reconnected. We need to hang out again soon, gents.

To the delight of Bears fans everywhere, this was the sight to be seen on the first Sunday in February

Super Bowl Sunday - Hosted at Tim and Brie's place, they organized another good party for the game between the Steelers and the Packers. Yours truly and Tim profitted from the Super Bowl, but ultimately ended up losing the money back into the sports book later on in the week. Still, it is always nice to get a group together and enjoy each other's company.

Mid-late February - I was a few months away from graduating from my school and was still wondering what I wanted to do with my degree. After starting the second session of learning TV, it was then when I realized that video editing is what I wanted to do. This led me to be lead editor in our group's music video project as well as the splicing of several clips to produce YouTube videos. While I did take the internship with the school back in November, it was around Feb when I realized the direction I wanted to go in. (Editor's note: I still haven't put my degree to use yet, but plan on going in the video editing field). We graduated in April and for the most part have lost touch, but I'll never forget the great times we had as a class, both in and out of the classroom.

Rest in peace, Grandma Bolek. We will always remember you.

March thru April - The start of March was about the time where it was the beginning of the end for my Grandma Bolek, who was rushed to the hospital by my Dad and I believe my Aunt Donna. I remember getting back home from picking something up from my boss and answering a phone call from my sobbing father, who I can never recall ever seeing or hearing crying in my life. I visited her the next day when a hospice bed was placed in her home, but then never saw her alive again. She passed April 27, 2011 at the age of 90. She was, is, and will always be missed, but at the same time, always remembered.

HA HA! BUCKETS!

March Madness Opening Weekend - I always love this weekend, so much so that I've requested off of work for the opening Thursday and Friday of the tournament for the past 4 years. Unlike last year, no particular life-altering stories came out of 2011's tourney opening weekend. Bets were made (and mainly lost), beverages were consumed and laughs were shared. It lived up to its hype again as one of my favorite weekends in sports.

Jeff & Amber's engagement (Mother's Day weekend)- What do you get a mother whose son (cough, me) didn't give her a Mother's Day gift? How about a future daughter-in-law? Jeff and Amber stole the show this weekend when Amber showed off her ring towards the end of the Mother's Day brunch, which brought my Mom and others to tears. The date and location have been set for next year, and I could not be happier for my brother and future sister-in-law. Thank you for helping my mom forget that I didn't get her a Mother's Day gift (yet).

Congratulations to my happily married friends!

The Spencer Wedding - May 21 (The End of Days) - Spencer's bachelor party was on the Saturday of the tournament weekend and closed with us going to a burlesque show. That set the tone for a most untraditional wedding setting for a husband and wife (Jeremy and Kate) who have made a tradition of being untraditional. A small wedding at a park district may not be what most people want to do with their wedding, but they showed what really matters with a wedding is the people who are involved in the relationship surrounding themselves with their closest friends and family. It was only fitting that the after party was at a bowling alley, with us goofing off like we had done so many times before a decade earlier. I also had a blast writing a speech for this wedding and feel like I reflected well on the tone of the untraditional that had been set. I couldn't be happier for them.

Memorial Day weekend - While it may seem too soon to say this was the most significant weekend of the year, I highly doubt people could argue with me if I said it was. The weekend started with myself and Elias travelling to Wisconsin to meet up with a bunch of our friends. The lodge/resort was nice, but the initial night of the trip proved to be what made the trip. Many of my friends who I had never really seen drink before were looser than ever after a few drinks. Many were hung over the following day, but Mimosas were what I started the day with - it is vacation after all. The Saturday night of the trip was a lot more chill, but was necessary for the health of most of Friday night's participants.
    Elias and I left on Sunday, a day before the rest of the people left. I wanted to come home to take care of the dogs, who were at my Grandma Raynor's for a night. I didn't want her to be bothered by them for long though, so I left early and brought the dogs home to get back into their element. I had known about a Memorial Day party before I left the Wisconsin trip that some of my new friends were hosting at their rented place in Alsip, so I figured while I was taking care of the dogs, I'd also attend this party later on. It started at 4pm on the Sunday, but I came later to avoid being trapped into an early drinking demise (that later proved to be true for many of the participants of the 4pm start of the party). It was here that I briefly met Moe, who was my bags partner for the one game I played against Craig and Pete. While we didn't win, an innocent pairing of two people for a bags game eventually led to what is now a promising relationship with an awesome girl.

Bobby McGees - Before the month of June, I had been to this bar exactly once in my life. In June alone, I was there every Tuesday and an additional few days. I have met some awesome new people in the past month through the new relationship. As I've told Moe's friends, the type of people you surround yourself with is a good indicator of what kind of person you are. That is definitely the case here. I'm glad I've gotten to meet the people I've met so far and look forward to meeting others as the months

Vegas -  You already can see the blog about Vegas from mid June - feel free to consult this blog on how it went. It was a traditional Vegas trip full of ups and downs at the sports book, a trip that always leaves you wanting more of the Sin City.

The start of my Arlington success

Arlington/BBBBQ weekend - The weekend which started my parent's trip to Michigan (a trip where they never saw the sun for a week) also started a vacation of my own. Brie had her birthday at the horsetrack, and about 10-12 people came out for it over the course of the day. In addition to enjoying two pina coladas, I also basked in the riches of picking 5 of 10 winners throughout the day, including a 13/1 named Brain Teazer. The following day, I had my traditional BBBBQ, which was enjoyed by many. The weather was good enough to enjoy the pool as well. Also, it was the day many of my friends got to meet the lady for the first time. The party seemed to strike up many friendships, as the next day I saw nothing on Facebook but (A friend of mine) is now friends with (another friend of mine) and 6 (other friends of mine).

I may be missing a few things, and I apologize if I did. These events reflect the type of year that I have had so far. I look forward to seeing how the rest of the year develops. I hope all of you get to enjoy it with me in some capacity.