And thank you to everyone who came up to me and said my speech was a good one. Means a lot.
Good evening everyone. My name is Brian, or as some of you might know me as, Farty Pants. Thank you for joining in the celebration of Jeff and Amber’s marriage. I will try to make this as painless of a best man speech as possible. I’ll spare you the stories of the teasing that me and my cousins would do to him by calling him Personal Pan Peff when we were little or the story of Jeff spitting on me because he thought I spit on him when it was really a bird that pooped on his head.
This guy, who I
have the privilege of calling my brother, has been the greatest brother a guy
could ask for. We’re the only two in the family that can say they were born in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan
(although I’m not sure that’s something to brag about).
My initial
memories of my brother stem from his
days in leg braces, back when he was around 4 or 5 years old. That period of time was the only time he was ever slowed down, ever. And the braces didn’t even
do a good job of that. When he got them off, he suddenly became the fastest
guy I knew. He hasn’t sat still since he was born. If he wanted to pull a
Forrest Gump and run back and forth between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, he
could have (and still could). In addition to his speed, he’s always been one of
the strongest guys I know (whisper…and
don’t tell him this, but I think he could beat me up).
One thing I’ve
always admired about my brother is his
loyalty to his friends and family. I’ve heard countless stories about
friends of his that seem to find themselves trouble, only for my brother to
step up in a time of need and get that friend out of trouble. I can remember a
time when I needed a ride from the 12:30am train and he was there in Oak Forest
to pick me up…except I ended up falling asleep and waking up in Tinley Park and
couldn’t contact him because my phone died. Funny enough, he knew of my
tendency to fall asleep on trains, so he was driving around both Tinley stops
looking for me at about 2am. I eventually found a pay phone and sure enough, he
was already looking for me at both stops.
Getting back to
his personal life, I’d say I was jealous of Jeff’s popularity. When I wasn’t
toting this beer gut, I was a proud Mathlete with bifocals. Luckily, Jeff
didn’t have such interests or vision problems. He always had girls interested
in him from a very young age. Although I have to honestly say, none of them
matched the overall beauty of his bride Amber.
Amber is the perfect girl for Jeff in every
which way—with the way she loves him and takes care of him and ESPECIALLY with
the way she gets along with him. I love him to death, but he is not the easiest
guy to get along with—it has to take the patience and loving of a saint to deal
with him 24/7. To that Amber, I wish you good luck—you’re gonna need it.
In all
seriousness, you two are perfect for each other, and I know it’s going to last.
Not because of anything I just mentioned above. No. Amber, you have done
something today that Boleks have failed to do for the past two decades –you
have got him to ditch shorts for a day to wear a pair of pants. So to make Jeff
feel comfortable the rest of the night, I figured I’d lend him a pair. Sorry to
tell you this Amber, but this is my wedding gift to you guys. (Hands shorts to
Jeff). Yes, I did write that into my speech.
In closing, I’d
like to say to you both—thank you for letting us be a part of your day. It is
fitting that on today’s date 7/7, two people could be so lucky and come
together as one. I can’t wait to see you two grow old together. A toast to the
newlyweds.
