Best Man Speech: The Jeffrey & Amber Bolek Edition

The speech, as I read it at the reception - 7-7-12. Feel free to steal anything here. Just credit me for it.

And thank you to everyone who came up to me and said my speech was a good one. Means a lot.

Good evening everyone. My name is Brian, or as some of you might know me as, Farty Pants. Thank you for joining in the celebration of Jeff and Amber’s marriage. I will try to make this as painless of a best man speech as possible. I’ll spare you the stories of the teasing that me and my cousins would do to him by calling him Personal Pan Peff when we were little or the story of Jeff spitting on me because he thought I spit on him when it was really a bird that pooped on his head.

This guy, who I have the privilege of calling my brother, has been the greatest brother a guy could ask for. We’re the only two in the family that can say they were born in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan (although I’m not sure that’s something to brag about).

My initial memories of my brother stem from his days in leg braces, back when he was around 4 or 5 years old.  That period of time was the only time he was ever slowed down, ever. And the braces didn’t even do a good job of that. When he got them off, he suddenly became the fastest guy I knew. He hasn’t sat still since he was born. If he wanted to pull a Forrest Gump and run back and forth between the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, he could have (and still could). In addition to his speed, he’s always been one of the strongest guys I know (whisper…and don’t tell him this, but I think he could beat me up).

One thing I’ve always admired about my brother is his loyalty to his friends and family. I’ve heard countless stories about friends of his that seem to find themselves trouble, only for my brother to step up in a time of need and get that friend out of trouble. I can remember a time when I needed a ride from the 12:30am train and he was there in Oak Forest to pick me up…except I ended up falling asleep and waking up in Tinley Park and couldn’t contact him because my phone died. Funny enough, he knew of my tendency to fall asleep on trains, so he was driving around both Tinley stops looking for me at about 2am. I eventually found a pay phone and sure enough, he was already looking for me at both stops.

Getting back to his personal life, I’d say I was jealous of Jeff’s popularity. When I wasn’t toting this beer gut, I was a proud Mathlete with bifocals. Luckily, Jeff didn’t have such interests or vision problems. He always had girls interested in him from a very young age. Although I have to honestly say, none of them matched the overall beauty of his bride Amber.

Amber is the perfect girl for Jeff in every which way—with the way she loves him and takes care of him and ESPECIALLY with the way she gets along with him. I love him to death, but he is not the easiest guy to get along with—it has to take the patience and loving of a saint to deal with him 24/7. To that Amber, I wish you good luck—you’re gonna need it.

In all seriousness, you two are perfect for each other, and I know it’s going to last. Not because of anything I just mentioned above. No. Amber, you have done something today that Boleks have failed to do for the past two decades –you have got him to ditch shorts for a day to wear a pair of pants. So to make Jeff feel comfortable the rest of the night, I figured I’d lend him a pair. Sorry to tell you this Amber, but this is my wedding gift to you guys. (Hands shorts to Jeff). Yes, I did write that into my speech.

In closing, I’d like to say to you both—thank you for letting us be a part of your day. It is fitting that on today’s date 7/7, two people could be so lucky and come together as one. I can’t wait to see you two grow old together. A toast to the newlyweds.

B List - Dos and Don'ts of Best Man Speeches (List 8)

I am on the eve of giving a speech to the best brother a man can ask for. It's a speech that I take great pride in, a speech that I want to have an impression on the people attending the wedding.

Since I have made myself contractually obligated to create a B List every Friday, I decided to look at a website that features the do's and don'ts of best man speeches. Here are 7 of the do's and don'ts that stand out and how I rate myself according to each one.

7. Do have a drink to loosen up. Don't have 10 drinks to loosen up. This shouldn't be a problem. I'll probably have a couple beers at the house here before the wedding. I definitely don't want to be slurring my words during my speech. Later on in the night, say around 11:30pm, I make no guarantees.

6. Do flatter the bride. This won't be a problem either. Amber is a great girl, especially for my brother. I already have a chunk of my speech dedicated to her.

5. Don't wing it. This is something I couldn't do. I have things I would say without the benefit of a written speech, but I'm not good enough at just coming up with an entire speech on the fly. The speech is written, with a few things in it that I could add on the fly I'm sure. But by no means could I wing it completely.

4. Don't read it from a sheet of paper. I don't think I'm going to obey this one, unless I get around to writing some of it on note cards. I've already wrote it out on a word document. I'm probably just going to disobey this one and hope I don't rely completely on the piece of paper.

3. Do Keep It Short.  I don't know this guy's definition of short, but it won't take up an entire hour. I'm sure it'll take a few minutes though. And that's what she said. I won't give you the satisfaction of finishing that one...and that's what she said again.

2. Do Balance It Out. Again, I should have this covered by mentioning Amber in a chunk of my speech. I don't see how someone could give a speech that focuses solely on one person, even if you don't know either the bride or groom very well.

1. Don't Say Anything Dirty. I'm not sure if the word "Damn" is considered dirty. If it is, I may be saying something dirty. Perhaps I should browse the speech one more time to make sure I don't have anything too bad in it. I have to consider the half of the people that I don't know when giving this speech.

Nah, fuck it.

Busy B - The Week Ahead (List 7)

I planned on writing about the BCS stuff that happened earlier this week and how I think the new system will be even more of a joke, but that will have to wait for another time - I will get to this at some point.

Today's list is as self-centered as it could possibly get. This is a list of my favorite 7 things coming up in the next week. I will have the next week off of work for several reasons, some of which will be discussed below. I won't go too in depth about each one because frankly, I'm lazy and kinda rushing this blog.

Note - this does not include my brother's wedding, which is in 8 days.

7. White Sox game - July 5th: Yesterday, I decided to buy Jen and myself 2nd row seats along the first base line near where the ball girl (also known at US Cellular as a security officer) sits. I've had similar seats before, so that's why this doesn't go further down the list.

6. RibFest in Naperville: I've never gone to one of these things before, so I'm glad I'm able to go this year.  Jen and I are going with her brother and his fiance. I should wear a plain white shirt and record the proceedings. With how messy I am, it could be a video that goes viral.

5. Fireworks in Peru: I'm going to be catching a fireworks show at Jen's aunt and uncle's in a town in western Illinois (Peru). I say it like this because I'm not sure the average person knows much about this. It should be interesting to see if they do any better of a show than these other folks or if it lives up to my theory that most firework shows are the same (a fireworks racist, I am not). It'll be fun seeing fireworks with the g/f for the first time though.

4. Writing the Best Man Speech: I have yet to start this, although I have an idea of what I'm going to say. I need to keep my crowd in mind when writing it. Funny speeches are really hard to write, especially when you don't know half of the people.

3. Meeting Jen's Dad for the first time: I'm looking forward to meeting her old man. It's been a while coming.

2. Bachelor Party: I won't be that tool who uses the word EPIC to describe what tomorrow will be like, so anyways, tomorrow will be legend.....WAIT FOR IT.....dary. Yeah, I went there. It's not a complicated set-up: a party bus is driving us to whirlyball, then back to the casino in Joliet. With how exciting this day should be, how could this be only #2 if the wedding is not included?

1. Picking Up the Tux: Not sure why, but this action will get me in the ultimate wedding mood. Something about looking like a sexy beast in a tux does it. Also, the whole picturing myself standing next to my brother as he marries the girl of his dreams thing too.

It's going to be a great week. A great week.

Stairway out of '11: The Year That Was

The year that was - it was 2011.
Some great things entered my life, some went to heaven.

Goodbye to my wonderful Grandma, a great woman to all.
Always around for us whenever we'd rise and fall.

So long to my Buddy of 15 years, man's best friend.
The old man was loyal until the very end.

For the loss I had, there was plenty of good in my life.
I had a great pair of friends who took the dive

Into a marriage that was as unique as themselves.
Definitely something to keep in my memory shelf.


My Niners are surprising, no Christmas coal.
I'm crossing my fingers for a Super Bowl.

There was the usual Vegas trip (ok, two).
At least I won (wait, I did lose).

What was unusual was activity in dating.
In the past I was left alone and debating

An online route to meet a great girl
After a two-month relationship, I entered the online dating world.

Met a pretty ginger who has been amazing.
Feeling like a kid who is star gazing.

It's nice to have another half to make things whole
Someone to compliment the heart and soul.

With these things in my life, I have much to love.
My family and friends continue to fit me like a glove.

It's fun to grow old around all these fools I know.
The theatre of life, there's always a great show.

The Mayans say that the world will end soon.
I'll take my chances that day and sleep till noon.

For 2011 exits, 2012 will begin.
And hopefully I'll be singing this happy tune all over again.

The True Best Man

(note: to those attending the wedding, this is not my speech)

It's a title that I never really thought about much, but the title "Best Man" carries a lot of weight to me.

Best Man is someone who you've known for a long while. Best Man is someone you have shared some great times with. Best Man is someone you can count on when you're down. Best Man is with you from beginning to end. Best Man is with you during your ups and downs, highs and lows.

Best Man is not a title to be taken lightly.

Less than 2 days from now, my friend Jeremy Spencer (known by his surname to many of us) will be getting hitched to his lady Kate Baker. It's only fitting that it's a non-traditional wedding, because Spencer has never been a traditional person.

Each of us has influenced the other in more ways than we can imagine. For a brief period of time, I tried emulating his fashion for Hawaiian shirts (biiiiiiig mistake). And I know I introduced him to a movie (Dirty Work) that has become the staple of a lifetime's worth of quotes for us.

Within this lifetime of the friendship, we've both went away to school, and for the majority of the past 9 years of the friendship, we haven't been within 100 miles of each other. However, that never stopped us from getting closer as friends and essentially becoming brothers.

The "That's What She Said" and "Name Game" have become our new ways of humoring each other and others around us. The Name Game especially - with its unique way of creating a nickname around a play on words that yields many a laughs - has kept both of us sharp in both humor and intelligence.

As the years have passed, I can proudly say our friendship is stronger than ever. And I'm glad he's getting married to Kate, who clearly matches up with him perfectly.

Thank you to my friend, my brother, Spencer, for letting me share a big part in one of the biggest day of your life.

On Saturday, the true Best Man will be him.

Congrats to you and Kate.