2013 NFL Mock Draft - The Coach's Edition

The NFL draft is less than two days away. This year doesn't present as many great names as last year's class did. The Lucks, RG3's and Richardsons will make way for Geno Smith and other players considered less talented than their elders a year older.

So instead of projecting who each team will draft, I decided to figure out who each team would draft as a coach, assuming all coaches were made free agents. For the purposes of this coach draft, I will not allow for drafting of coaches who are not already coaches. Otherwise, the Oakland Raiders may wreck the curve and draft a high school coach with a great 40 speed.

Without further ado...we have Kansas City on the clock. Many mock drafts have the Chiefs taking Jim Harbaugh, whose mere presence has overturned a proud 49ers franchise from the depths of mediocrity into what looks to be a perennial winner.

"With the first pick in the 2013 Coaches Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select...Jim Harbaugh from the University of Michigan".

Great pick. Many in the green room are shocked that Belichick wasn't the first off the board, but the Chiefs are going with the hot up-and-comer with the raw skills. In his couple stints as a coach on both the college and pro levels, Harbaugh has experience in getting the most out of his quarterbacks. And wouldn't you know, the Chiefs traded for Alex Smith this offseason. This coaching pick couldn't have worked out any better. In addition to his coaching experience with Smith, Harbaugh has a speedster in the form of Jamaal Charles to work with. We've seen the kind of turn-around the Niners had in his two seasons. Expect to see the Chiefs contending for a playoff spot next year.

The Jacksonville Jaguars are on the clock. This pick seems to be academic. Before Shad Khan can have anyone second guess themselves, he runs to hand the envelope to Goodell himself.

"With the second pick in the 2013 Coaches Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select...Bill Belichick from Hoodie U." 

Playing the best on the board card, the Jags are desperate for a coach who can lead them to consistent playoff berths. More than that, this team needs someone to save it from becoming a casualty of empty seat syndrome. He's going to need a lot of help gutting this roster, but trust that he will get the right offensive pieces in place to be competitive in 3-4 years. And if they don't, the hoodie he wears will become an easy way for him to hide.

Now, the draft room eagerly awaits the ghost of Al Davis, who has ascended from his suite in hell to make his annual April appearance in New York City. Will the Raiders disappoint? Let's find out.

"With the third pick in the 2013 Coaches Draft, the Oakland Raiders select....Jim Schwartz from Georgetown University."

And there is no disappointment here, except for Raiders fans (remember them, Al?). The Ghost of Davis was said to be in the market for a coach whose attributes the attitude of a Raider, and what better coach to draft than the one whose squads have led the world in penalties on and off the field in the past couple years. Davis felt shamed that his franchise was rising in the ranks of sportsmanship - hence the drafting of Schwartz. With his lack of NFL experience, Marc Trestman was considered to be a heavy favorite to be drafted here, but his successful background in Canada prevented The Ghost of Davis from making a move.

The Eagles have the fourth pick. With their cluster of likely-to-underachieve QBs, one pick makes perfect sense here. And no, it's not Andy Reid, nicknamed by some rude waiters as "Andy Feed" for his penchant of clearing all-you-can-eat buffets in 45 minutes from local restaurants.

Nope, the Eagles are likely going the route of another husky coach. Since we're not allowed to tip the picks on Twitter, I'll let you "figure" it out.

"With the fourth pick in the 2013 Coaches Draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select...Rex Ryan from Southwestern Oklahoma State University."

Who knows better how to handle a stable of mediocre QBs than Ryan, as noted by last season's miserable Jets campaign. Whether it was a butt fumble or completely ignoring the cat calls for Tim Tebow, Ryan did all he could to campaign for a seat in a Lovie Smith presidency, basically telling naysayers to fuck off and saying "Sanchez is our quarterback." (did you just say 'fuck off?' We're on air!). Don't worry, everyone tuned me out anyways.

And for the cheese steak shops worried about profit margins going down with Reid out of town, you can breathe a sigh of relief. You still have a rotund man as the coach for the Eagles.

Back to the picks. The Lions are the first team to draft without their original coach at the helm. What to do, what to look for. Rod Marinelli isn't available, much to the dismay of Detroit paper bag manufacturers. And they can't draft another wide receiver (sorry Mike Williams and Charles Rodgers).

The Lions look to be hesitating on their pick. They might take the full 15 minutes to make it. And just in the nick of time, the Lions submit their pick to the commish.

"With the fifth pick in the 2013 Coaches Draft, the Detroit Lions select...Sean Payton from Eastern Illinois University"

Everyone is shocked at this pick - shocked that the Lions made a great pick! Fresh off of his year-long suspension for his role in the bounty scandal, Payton's value increased tremendously. The Saints' drop off was largely credited to the absence of Payton, who made New Orleans into a perennial playoff contender. Payton may look to bring with him Gregg Williams in an effort to set an unbreakable record for penalties and penalty yards in a season.

Since you probably stopped reading (or mainly because I can't see myself doing this for 27 other teams), I will simulate the rest of the coaching picks and give a little blurb on each.


1. Kansas City Chiefs - Jim Harbaugh

2. Jacksonville Jaguars - Bill Belichick

3. Oakland Raiders - Jim Schwartz

4. Philadelphia Eagles - Rex Ryan

5. Detroit Lions - Sean Payton

6. Cleveland Browns - Mike Tomlin (knows the AFC North better than anyone, will overtake Pittsburgh)

7. Arizona Cardinals - Jason Garrett (Cardinals thought they had to draft a former QB for coach. Simple misunderstanding)

8. Buffalo Bills - John Harbaugh (how did the SB winning coach slip this far? He's just glad to be picked up by Buffalo before the Jets swooped him up)

9. NY Jets - Tom Coughlin (in an unusual twist for the severely punctual coach, Coughlin shows up 20 minutes late to his press conference. The first of many signs that show that the more things change, the more the crazy shit stays the same).

10. Tennessee Titans - Jeff Fisher (the city where he started welcomes him back with open arms, now that the Titans are ready for another 12 year stretch of playing for second place to the Colts)

11. San Diego Chargers - Marvin Lewis (disappointed that Norv Turner wasn't available to keep around for another five years of underachieving, the Chargers went with the most tenured coach who hasn't accomplished as much as his resume may seem. San Diego is hoping Lewis can cut back on his playoff appearances to keep with the annual tradition of pretending to show a pulse in December to save the ass of their coach.

12. Miami Dolphins - Mike Shanahan (as Shanahan looks to make a stop at every team who drafted a QB in 2012. Tannehill - watch your knees: you're fucked)

13. NY Jets - Greg Schiano (the league is aware that the Jets have two coaches but believe it provides them no competitive advantage. In trading Revis to the Bucs, it was only fair to get their coach who knows a thing or two about how to play till the very end, even if the game has already been decided. Somehow, the Jets thought it'd be a good idea for Schiano to coach w/ Coughlin, who was furious at Schiano's bull rush when Eli kneeled down. In other news, Goodell ok'ed Revis being player/coach/perennial whiner of being underpaid for Tampa Bay)

14. Carolina Panthers - Ron Rivera (the first team to draft the same coach they already had. Whispers around the league suggest the Panthers were just too lazy to figure out the names of the other coaches remaining in the draft)

15. New Orleans Saints - Mike McCarthy (The Saints are looking to score and allow the most points in NFL history. They have a good shot w/ McCarthy at the helm).

16. St. Louis Rams - John Fox (They figured he had the same initials as Jeff Fisher, so all the legal documents that required a J.F. can remain in tact. One problem solved.)

17. Pittsburgh Steelers - Rob Chudzinski ("We showed you," Rooney says to Browns brass for taking their old coach. A world where the Browns have a better coach than Pittsburgh - now you know this is a fictional writing)

18. Dallas Cowboys - Gus Bradley (Jerry Jones needed to find the most likely guy to pin blame on when the free agents, draft picks and trades he makes go sour. Since Garrett was shockingly picked earlier in the round, Jones was scrambling for a scapegoat. A guy named Gus - sounds like a winner in Jerry's book.)

19. NY Giants - Chuck Pagano (W/ Pagano's defensive background, the move makes perfect sense. Not too often that sentence has been uttered in this grueling round of draft picks).

20. Chicago - Marc Trestman (C'est la vie! The Bears are tres excited to get their coach back in the draft.)

21. Cincinnati - Andy Reid (He lasted this long? Cincy wants another coach they can tenure to .500 stardom)

22. Washington - Pete Carroll (The Rams traded their draft pick back to the Skins, who were somehow able to get the rising coach this late. The only catch: the guy whose nasty injury came at the hands of his old team will not be behind center for a while. Revenge - a dish best served cold)

23. Minnesota - Bruce Arians (an overachieving coach unites w/ an overachieving team)

24. Indianapolis - Gary Kubiak (He has the experience to take an AFC South team to first place finishes as he desperately coaches for his job)

25. Seattle - Chip Kelly (Minnesota traded back the pick, and what a fitting pick for the Seahawks. A successful Pac-12 coach succeeding another former Pac-12 coach. With Wilson, Harvin & Lynch, the former Oregon coach invents offenses that can only be understood when looking from space.)

26. Green Bay - Joe Philbin (Phibin's old ties to Green Bay make this move a perfect fit).

27. Houston - Lezlie Frazier (For the Texans, their choices were a bunch of guys named Mike, or a guy with a girl's first name. They chose the latter)

28. Denver - Mike McCoy (His background with the Broncos helps w/ this picks. What also helps: there's like no one else available)

29. New England - Mike Munchak (Brady helps Munchak become the next "greatest coach in NFL history who sucked at his previous gig")

30. Atlanta - Mike Smith (could this guy be any more disrespected? falls all the way back to his old team)

31. San Francisco - Doug Marrone (the 49ers flipped a coin with the remaining two coaches. Marrone was tails)

32. Baltimore - Dennis Allen (hey, he was the only guy left. Not Flacco's fault)

America's Scummiest Home Videos & Other NCAA Musings

Who would have thought that the focus of Final Four week would be more so off the court than on it? Some items of note:

• Did you see the Louisville guy (Kevin Ware) break his leg on TV Sunday? I didn't - and I have no intention of ever seeing the video of it! If you try showing me the video, I will not watch it. I accidentally saw a picture of it when Jen had it up on the computer or phone. I heard how bad it was, and I saw enough of the reaction of the players on both Louisville and Duke to know that I don't want to see it. I'm glad CBS didn't do what the broadcasters did 30 years ago when Lawrence Taylor snapped Joe Theismann's leg, and the coverage apparently showed slow motion replays of it non-stop. I can go without seeing the Ware injury.
  
• And to think college video from the week couldn't get more ugly to watch, there was the Rutgers incident. The video of the former Rutgers basketball coach Mike Rice circulated, showing Rice basically playing a one-man game of dodgeball with the basketballs at practice (except he was only doing the throwing.) Even though this video has been in the hands of Rutgers personnel for months, it took world-wide exposure for them to fire Rice. Sadly, there is more psycho coaches out there that systematically mentally and physically abuse players from the lowest levels of sport all the way to the top. The more successful your team is, the more acceptable this abuse becomes (see Bob Knight). Unlike the others, Rice was caught on tape.
  
  And to those who say the boys should have stuck up for themselves, it's always easy for us to say this. We say this about victims of all types of crimes in society, particularly physical abuse and rape. It becomes a case of blaming the victim ("I would have stuck up for myself," many say). Yet when people get put in that situation, they are often so mentally abused that they don't feel like they can get out of the situation by defending themselves from such abuse. Instead of implicitly blaming the victims, we should sympathize with them and realize their situation was not the easiest to deal with. Many of these guys have professional aspirations. If they lose their scholarship, the road to getting the seasoning required for attention from the professional ranks becomes a much more difficult one. It's easier for some of these guys to take the abuse and gut it out than it is to risk the chance of getting kicked off the team for ratting on their abusive coach.
  
  It doesn't make it right for what coaches like that do - we just need to understand that it's not the easiest thing for these players to report their coach for such abusive behavior. It makes me think that all colleges, if they don't do so already, be required to film all of their practices for compliance purposes of player safety from abusive coaches.
  
• Two Pac-12 teams hired coaches. One just finished a Cinderella run as a 15-seed in the NCAA tourney with Florida Gulf Coast and moved to USC for an incredible pay raise (Andy Enfield). The other didn't even have time for the ink to dry on his 10-year extension with New Mexico (Steve Alford) before bolting to UCLA. More on Alford later.
  
• Oh, and I almost forgot about the Auburn football scandal, which has a little bit of something for everybody - robbery, bribes, murder. Ok, not murder. Just wanted to see if you were still paying attention. 

More college thoughts/rants

If you haven't heard a head coach in college football or basketball lie to you recently, you haven't been paying attention to any time they open their mouths or you have your television on mute.

Sure, there are some college coaches that might have some shreds of morality, but I'm not sure who those guys are. When you hear a guy has signed an extension with a school, all that means is....well, nothing. It doesn't mean the guy is going to stay with your school for 10 more years. It doesn't mean anything.

Most (if not all) of these big money contracts these guys sign includes a buyout clause jusssssst in case they get a better offer or opportunity somewhere else.

Did you take a look at all the coaching changes that occurred this offseason in football? It was a domino effect that seemed to touch about a quarter of the BCS-based teams. Then there were some coaches like Les Miles who helped get himself an extension by "showing interest" in the Arkansas job. I put that in quotes because it's debatable whether there was any interest or if it was merely a ploy to get more money.

Going back to Alford, who the hell signs a 10-year contract with a team (which he was lucky to get to begin with, considering how little Alford has done to earn it in his NCAA tourney appearances) and then bolts days later? On the Dan Patrick Show, he said he gets a lot of calls, but the call from UCLA is different because it's UCLA. Like hundreds of college coaches in the major sports, this guy is going to preach loyalty and committing to a team when he's literally a phone call away from being wooed away from that locker room.

It's one of the main hypocritical things that bother me about college sports, right next to the free labor that the NCAA and coaches get from the players and the dumb transfer rules that cause players to sit a year when they want to transfer to a new school.

Argue all you want, but you'll never convince me that these players don't deserve at least some form of payment? You say their scholarship should be considered their payment, but how many of these guys even get their degrees? Most of these guys in basketball, especially the NBA-caliber guys, are 1-2 year rentals who 

These unpaid servants of the NCAA are the ones whose talents create a product that is worth billions of dollars. And who reaps the benefits? The coaches who can bail to another school whenever they want. The NCAA administration folks, whose morals are even lower than the coaches.

And since when does a coach need a 10-year contract for a security blanket?

The most baffling thing about the Alford thing, outside of him getting an extension, was that he needed such a lengthy extension. Are these decade-long contracts really necessary for teams to show their "loyalty" to certain coaches or to prove to the coaches that they want them around for a while? Do you have any idea how many coaches in both college football and college basketball have been with their current schools for 10+ years?

Well, thanks to Wikipedia (and I know people can enter in information on that site at will, but to the best of my knowledge, the data looked accurate), I broke down both sports based on length of coaching tenure. Below are the percentage of coaches who have been with their current schools for a decade or longer.

College basketball: 52 of 347 (15%) - look at the top 10 list below. Unless you're a big time college basketball fan, good luck knowing more than two names on that list.

College football: 10 of 125 (8%)

And here are the numbers for new coaches to their respective teams entering the 2013 seasons of their sports:

College basketball: 35 of 347 (10%)

College football: 31!!! of 125 (25%) To think, I thought I was exaggerating with the quarter of NCAA teams changing coaches seemingly. Seemingly ended up being true...

I'm not sure if this data is consistent throughout the years, but that means if you picked a coach at random in college football, you're 3 times more likely to pick a team who hasn't coached a down at the current school as you were to identify a coach who's been at a school for a decade or longer.

Alford was at New Mexico for six years, so he was less than five years away from making it to 10. However, as is the case with many of these coaches, they get bored at certain jobs or get wooed by better ones.

No one is going to argue that UCLA basketball doesn't sound sexier than New Mexico basketball - no doubt, UCLA's history is hard to ignore. But you just signed a 10-year deal days before! You said you wanted to stay there and be there for years to come. Then you bolt at the first call you get from UCLA?

At the very least, if the NCAA isn't going to change its transfer rule with the athletes switching schools, they should make coaches sit out a year before transferring to a new school to at least show some consistency in its policy. However, that would require the NCAA to do something it is incapable of doing.

After all, if players who continue to get paid squat keep making these guys a collective billions, then why would they want to change anything? The system works best for those on the top of the food chain: the big conference adminstrations, athletic directors, coaches, and most importantly, the NCAA. Let the free labor reign.

Brass Baughs: How the Niners Coach Defied Conservative Nature of NFL to Win Saturday

Did you happen to catch the rare occurence at the end of that Saints/49ers game?

No, I'm not talking about the 4 lead changes in the last 3 minutes (a playoff first).

I'm also not talking about Alex Smith's squad besting a team led by the NFL-record holder of passing yards in a season.

I'm talking about Jim Harbaugh. Specifically, the pair of brass balls that he possessed at the end of the game to go for the touchdown.

Sure, it doesn't seem like much of a risk to the average person, especially with a timeout left in the team's pocket with 14 seconds left. However, with how much conservatism we are used to seeing in the NFL on a weekly basis, the chance of a ball getting picked off or turned over would be in the minds of many coaches. Many coaches within that range (14 yard line, down 3) would play it safe and kick the field goal to force overtime.

If Alex Smith throws a pick, analysts would pick apart why Harbaugh would call for such a risky play when overtime is well within reach with a short field goal and a Pro-Bowl kicker. Nevermind that the Niners have the least number of turnovers in the league this year. A play that goes against the ultra-conservative nature of the NFL would get Harbaugh lambasted if it backfires.

You may remember John Madden suggesting to Tom Brady & the Patriots to take a knee and play for overtime on their last drive in their upset against the Rams in 2002. With this line of thinking, Madden represents the crowd of people who suggest playing it safe versus going for the winner while it is in your control and risking the chance of loss.

There are several problems with this conservative line of thinking that make the Harbaugh-types seem rational:

1. This assumes you can control your fate better when delaying the outcome of the game. Who is to say how the coin with flip in overtime? Even with the new rules, if the team who gets the ball scores the TD right away, the game is over. You don't think the Saints could score on the initial possession of OT easier than most?
2. Sports are about winning, not avoiding loss. Unfortunately, too many guys will be uber-conservative and take the chance of losing through that route rather than risking blowing a lead or a chance of tying a game.

One memory engrained in my head came from the Niners' previous coach, Mike Singletary, against the Minnesota Vikings in Brett Favre's first of two seasons there. No one speaks of the way Singletary handled the team's last drive when they were holding onto a 4 point lead with less than 2 minutes left - frankly because he was playing it by the book. Singletary called for three straight runs so that the Vikings would use all 3 of their timeouts, including a run on 3rd and long.

As any Niners fan remembers from that game, Favre got the ball back with plenty of time and found Greg Lewis in the back of the endzone much to the delight of the Metrodome crowd. Moments from being 3-0, Singletary didn't learn that the best way to win a game is when the ball is in your hands. On third and long, when a team can win a game with just one first down, a run is conceding control of winning the game. Especially against a hall-of-fame quarterback.

Take the opposite scenario: a few years back, the Patriots were holding onto a lead against the Colts and had a fourth and one in their own territory. I emphasize "holding onto" since the Colts had stormed back from a three-score deficit. About 30-31 coaches at that time would have punted the ball and taken their chances with stopping Peyton Manning one time with less than two minutes to spare.

However, Bellichick decided that he didn't want to take his chances with his defense against Peyton and instead went for it. Needless to say, they didn't convert; Peyton led the Colts on a short drive for a TD and Bellichick was raped in the press for going for it.

They failed to mention that a conversion would have sealed a Patriots victory. Also failed to mention that Peyton Manning is the other team's QB and was as automatic as they came at that time.

The "by-the-book" nature that many media & football personnel make moves like that (getting 1 yard to seal a win) seem absurd and yet allows guys like Singletary off the hook for running it three times with the ultimate intention of getting the team to burn three timeouts only to punt.

Let's give Harbaugh his credit for going for the win.

He showed that having a pair of brass ones is the best way to play.