Much Love, And Even More Tears

It will never make sense. There will be more questions than answers. Perhaps no answers will ever exist.

The endless hours of the night, unable to sleep. Pillow soaked in tears. The pain of losing a loved one at such a young age seared in the back of the brain.

Wondering - what did we do to deserve this? Why him? Why now?

This is the living hell I picture for my friend's family - one that I proudly call a second family, an extension of my own flesh and blood. A family I have known for almost half of my life now.

I caught wind of the bad news when my friend called me - a friend that never calls me, mind you - as I was picking up my sick girlfriend from her work. Before this, I had dropped her off, and she had been desperately trying to reach me to come back to her work moments after I dropped her off.

Unfortunately, my phone had dropped out of my coat pocket sometime between carrying the garbage bag of cat litter to the trash and starting the car on my morning quest to drop her off at work. I retrieved it as I was about to pull into my parking spot, only to see an incoming call from her.

I thought that was going to be the worst call I would receive in the morning. In some ways, I wish I left my phone in the snow, so that in some magical world, none of the bad news that came from it in the proceeding 10 minutes actually happened.

But when I saw my friend's caller-ID pop up a few blocks away from picking her up, I wasn't sure what to think in those brief seconds. What could he be calling for - a pocket dial?

His voice was choking up. He told me the tragic news through the cracking. I couldn't believe any of it. Any of what he told me. I blacked out everything he said after the first initial sentence he said, so when I did get off the phone with him, I was crying myself, unable to recall to my girlfriend on how it actually happened, but that it happened.

As the high sun of the afternoon faded into the darkness of my Wednesday, I tried contemplating the tragedy from every conceivable angle. Random bouts of tears occupied the afternoon. And of course, I thought of a similar "gone way way too soon" situation with my cousin, who died of a brain tumor at a very young age.

I thought of that situation and how it rattled and shook the foundation of our family. I was too young to understand everything that was happening at that time, but the effects of that never leave the individuals directly involved. Every Christmas Eve is a reminder of my cousin's birthday (she would be 33 next week), a rough time for my mom's side of the family, particularly for my aunt and cousins.

Sadly, I know that it's a pain that never goes away. The "what ifs" of how that person's life would be now if they were still alive are limitless. This thought alone can keep you up at night - and it probably will quite often.

The only thing we can do as humans in these situations is to live our lives in their honor. Represent what they did and what they were in their short lives. Beacons of youth, energy, curiosity, bewilderment, hope. The smiles are burned in the back of our retinas.

Know that, while the pain may never go away, we can fondly remember the brief flicker of life that they did have, the joy they brought into our lives, and know that they are still with us in a spiritual sense.

My most sincere condolences to my friend's family - my family, our family. We're all here for you. Much love, and even more tears.

Warrior Dash/St. Jude Donation Update - Thank You All

To all of those who have donated towards my Warrior Dash run for St. Jude tomorrow, for those who have been an inspiration in my second round of weight loss, and for my great network of family and friends, I want to say thank you.

With a couple more donations yesterday, I have been able to reach over my $1000 goal, which I raised from my initial $500 back in April. The initial donations I received from all of you was overwhelming and has inspired me to keep going for higher goals (both for donations and for my fitness level).

Inspirations/Dedications

My Bohawk, in honor of my cousin Marilyn

Here are but a few of the people I have in mind when it comes to this race and the donation efforts:

• For my cousin Marilyn who passed away in 1989 after developing a brain tumor as a child, but I know is with us in spirit. From this donation process and dedication, I have learned that people live as long as you keep their story alive.
• For my brother, who as a kid was slowed down only by the leg braces which remained between his legs for years.
• For my friend Jim, who was just medically cleared of the colon cancer that he found out he had last summer. He is the ringleader of the crew of people racing on Sunday, otherwise known as Team Carter.
• For my cousin Kyle, who is currently going through chemo for a brain tumor. His battle is far from over, but he is doing as well as he can, thanks to a strong spirit and a great support network.

There may be a few others I'm missing, and I apologize for this. Some of you may have donated money to this cause with someone else in mind, and I'll gladly dedicate the 3.1 miles to them as well.

What is the Warrior Dash?

Speaking of the race, for those not familiar with the Warrior Dash, you'd probably be interested to see some of what the race has to offer. Take a look at some of the obstacles on the course: http://www.warriordash.com/obstacles.php

When I did this three years ago, I was actually most worried about the Cargo Climb and getting stuck in the rope. And I almost lost a shoe in the Muddy Mayhem portion of the race. If I'm not mistaken, the race ended with the Warrior Roast. It looks more intimidating and dangerous on the webpage than it actually is.

This isn't a race about time for me, but for enjoyment. I will likely walk very small portions of this race to regain energy, as this isn't your typical 5K. They will have times for the race, but I couldn't care less.

Sadly, I won't stand out too much in this at the Dash

I was going to wait till race day to show this picture to the world, but I figured I'd show you what I'm wearing for the race. I was looking to get a California Raisins shirt to wear in honor of Marilyn (I believe that was a favorite of hers), but instead I got a D.A.R.E. shirt and a headband in the colors of the 80s. The great thing about this race is that people dress up even more than this, so I will look like a businessman in this outfit compared to some of the other costumes.

I will keep you all updated on how this race goes. Unlike the 5K I completed at the beginning of the month, I have no goal for time. I'd expect somewhere in the 32-33 minute range, but again, time is not of the essence in this one.

Last-Minute Donations

If you'd like to make a last-minute donation (June 15th) to provide a little more money to St. Jude than my network already has, follow this link and donate what you can:

https://waystohelp.stjude.org/sjVPortal/public/displayUserPage.do?programId=2252&userId=964629&eventId=333033

Again, I appreciate all of your donation efforts and sharing of my St. Jude page to get even more donations. It means a lot to me, my family, and most importantly, the kids of St. Jude.