It will never make sense. There will be more questions than answers. Perhaps no answers will ever exist.
The endless hours of the night, unable to sleep. Pillow soaked in tears. The pain of losing a loved one at such a young age seared in the back of the brain.
Wondering - what did we do to deserve this? Why him? Why now?
This is the living hell I picture for my friend's family - one that I proudly call a second family, an extension of my own flesh and blood. A family I have known for almost half of my life now.
I caught wind of the bad news when my friend called me - a friend that never calls me, mind you - as I was picking up my sick girlfriend from her work. Before this, I had dropped her off, and she had been desperately trying to reach me to come back to her work moments after I dropped her off.
Unfortunately, my phone had dropped out of my coat pocket sometime between carrying the garbage bag of cat litter to the trash and starting the car on my morning quest to drop her off at work. I retrieved it as I was about to pull into my parking spot, only to see an incoming call from her.
I thought that was going to be the worst call I would receive in the morning. In some ways, I wish I left my phone in the snow, so that in some magical world, none of the bad news that came from it in the proceeding 10 minutes actually happened.
But when I saw my friend's caller-ID pop up a few blocks away from picking her up, I wasn't sure what to think in those brief seconds. What could he be calling for - a pocket dial?
His voice was choking up. He told me the tragic news through the cracking. I couldn't believe any of it. Any of what he told me. I blacked out everything he said after the first initial sentence he said, so when I did get off the phone with him, I was crying myself, unable to recall to my girlfriend on how it actually happened, but that it happened.
As the high sun of the afternoon faded into the darkness of my Wednesday, I tried contemplating the tragedy from every conceivable angle. Random bouts of tears occupied the afternoon. And of course, I thought of a similar "gone way way too soon" situation with my cousin, who died of a brain tumor at a very young age.
I thought of that situation and how it rattled and shook the foundation of our family. I was too young to understand everything that was happening at that time, but the effects of that never leave the individuals directly involved. Every Christmas Eve is a reminder of my cousin's birthday (she would be 33 next week), a rough time for my mom's side of the family, particularly for my aunt and cousins.
Sadly, I know that it's a pain that never goes away. The "what ifs" of how that person's life would be now if they were still alive are limitless. This thought alone can keep you up at night - and it probably will quite often.
The only thing we can do as humans in these situations is to live our lives in their honor. Represent what they did and what they were in their short lives. Beacons of youth, energy, curiosity, bewilderment, hope. The smiles are burned in the back of our retinas.
Know that, while the pain may never go away, we can fondly remember the brief flicker of life that they did have, the joy they brought into our lives, and know that they are still with us in a spiritual sense.
My most sincere condolences to my friend's family - my family, our family. We're all here for you. Much love, and even more tears.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
12/19/2013
9/30/2013
Reflecting on an old Buddy's Passing: Two Years Later
Time passes. Memories remain, even if the physical being does not.
Two years ago at the beginning of October, my family and I took our old dog Buddy for his last ride. The short six-minute car trip to the vet seemed like it lasted only six seconds, which especially sucked, given the nature of the drive and the empty car we came home with after a trip to the crematory where we had our last sights of his lifeless body.
I remember coming home to the emptier house, and while Pixie (her younger compadre) was not fully aware of what happened, you have to sense that she knew something was not right when we came back and her brother wasn't with us. The first time we let her outside to go to the bathroom, Pixie looked back at the door, as she usually followed her hobbling brother down the stairs - antagonizing him all the way down, biting his back legs as if she were in the wild herding sheep.
But this time, her brother was no longer there. At that moment, I knew she knew something was missing and terribly wrong. It was at that moment, I balled my eyes out (well, for about the 30th time that day anyways, but the first time since we got home from putting the old boy down).
I feel awful that my sister, who was living in Tennessee at the time, was not able to say good-bye to him, although I felt a little better knowing that anytime she came to visit, in the event something like this were to happen, she told me she would say her goodbyes, just in case.
On this particular day, I was less than two weeks into my relationship with Jen. I was not aware at the time, but earlier in the week was the first and only time that Jen would get to meet the stinky dog - also happened to be the first time she met my mom and dad - thanks for sticking all that out Jen!
As the afternoon developed that day, I was wondering if I would stick with my original Saturday evening plan of meeting with Jen and her friends at the bar many of them like to go to right next to their work, as Saturday at 5pm begins their weekends. I don't remember if I justified it this way when I made my ultimate decision of spending the night over at Jen's old place, but I don't know how well I would have done with spending the night in my old basement dwellings that night without my best friend laying right next to the bed, waiting for me to get up so he could hobble up the stairs with me to officially start the day.
Ultimately, I was glad I did go out and try getting away from the two tons of weight that the day had put on my emotional back. I was able to meet some of Jen's friends for the first time. I do remember telling some of them that I wish I had met them on a better day than this and that I may not be myself, but I doubt I needed to explain that given what happened.
I forgot exactly where me and Jen went out to dinner that night (I know it was close to Belmont and Sheffield), but I know it felt good to share my emotions with my new love as my old love had passed. In a brand new relationship, a moment like this can go a long way in determining what the future holds. Sharing my thoughts and enjoying dinner with Jen was as perfect of an end to my night as there could be to such an imperfect day.
As far as the two years that have passed, I wish I could say I've had Buddy in mind every day - because I haven't. But every now and then, when I walk into my office area (or what was planned to be my office area) and see the wallet-sized pictures I have of Buddy and Pixie from when my mom got them professional pictures, I occasionally tear up and always smile when seeing how excited Buddy was for his picture (and how timid and frightened his normally eccentric sister was).
It has been a while since I looked at the blog I wrote for him 18 hours preceding his passing. For those of you who haven't read it or those who would like to read it again, here it is: http://b-boknows.blogspot.com/2011/10/some-buddy-to-love-eulogy-to-this-mans.html. The love me and my family had for him has never died. I'd like to think if anything, the love we had for him is reflected in new loves in our lives: Jen, my nephew Brayden, and anyone else who has joined our lives in the past 2 years.
As the years go by, I'll likely remember October 1st just as well as any other important day of my life, including a later date in October (the 24th was when we put the first dog in my life down when I was 13). The big difference between the two dogs was that I didn't think there was any way in hell of a dog impacting my life the way my old dog Crimmy did. Also, I have full memory of Buddy's entire life, while Crimmy preceded me by a few years.
In both cases, I will always have a fond memory of my childhood and young adulthood living the first 28 years of my life with these two dogs. As I have developed a strong relationship with Jen's two cats (who are now "our cats" in my eyes), I hope to continue to have pets make such a strong impact on my life as they already have.
 |
| Two years flies fast |
Two years ago at the beginning of October, my family and I took our old dog Buddy for his last ride. The short six-minute car trip to the vet seemed like it lasted only six seconds, which especially sucked, given the nature of the drive and the empty car we came home with after a trip to the crematory where we had our last sights of his lifeless body.
I remember coming home to the emptier house, and while Pixie (her younger compadre) was not fully aware of what happened, you have to sense that she knew something was not right when we came back and her brother wasn't with us. The first time we let her outside to go to the bathroom, Pixie looked back at the door, as she usually followed her hobbling brother down the stairs - antagonizing him all the way down, biting his back legs as if she were in the wild herding sheep.
But this time, her brother was no longer there. At that moment, I knew she knew something was missing and terribly wrong. It was at that moment, I balled my eyes out (well, for about the 30th time that day anyways, but the first time since we got home from putting the old boy down).
I feel awful that my sister, who was living in Tennessee at the time, was not able to say good-bye to him, although I felt a little better knowing that anytime she came to visit, in the event something like this were to happen, she told me she would say her goodbyes, just in case.
On this particular day, I was less than two weeks into my relationship with Jen. I was not aware at the time, but earlier in the week was the first and only time that Jen would get to meet the stinky dog - also happened to be the first time she met my mom and dad - thanks for sticking all that out Jen!
As the afternoon developed that day, I was wondering if I would stick with my original Saturday evening plan of meeting with Jen and her friends at the bar many of them like to go to right next to their work, as Saturday at 5pm begins their weekends. I don't remember if I justified it this way when I made my ultimate decision of spending the night over at Jen's old place, but I don't know how well I would have done with spending the night in my old basement dwellings that night without my best friend laying right next to the bed, waiting for me to get up so he could hobble up the stairs with me to officially start the day.
Ultimately, I was glad I did go out and try getting away from the two tons of weight that the day had put on my emotional back. I was able to meet some of Jen's friends for the first time. I do remember telling some of them that I wish I had met them on a better day than this and that I may not be myself, but I doubt I needed to explain that given what happened.
I forgot exactly where me and Jen went out to dinner that night (I know it was close to Belmont and Sheffield), but I know it felt good to share my emotions with my new love as my old love had passed. In a brand new relationship, a moment like this can go a long way in determining what the future holds. Sharing my thoughts and enjoying dinner with Jen was as perfect of an end to my night as there could be to such an imperfect day.
As far as the two years that have passed, I wish I could say I've had Buddy in mind every day - because I haven't. But every now and then, when I walk into my office area (or what was planned to be my office area) and see the wallet-sized pictures I have of Buddy and Pixie from when my mom got them professional pictures, I occasionally tear up and always smile when seeing how excited Buddy was for his picture (and how timid and frightened his normally eccentric sister was).
It has been a while since I looked at the blog I wrote for him 18 hours preceding his passing. For those of you who haven't read it or those who would like to read it again, here it is: http://b-boknows.blogspot.com/2011/10/some-buddy-to-love-eulogy-to-this-mans.html. The love me and my family had for him has never died. I'd like to think if anything, the love we had for him is reflected in new loves in our lives: Jen, my nephew Brayden, and anyone else who has joined our lives in the past 2 years.
As the years go by, I'll likely remember October 1st just as well as any other important day of my life, including a later date in October (the 24th was when we put the first dog in my life down when I was 13). The big difference between the two dogs was that I didn't think there was any way in hell of a dog impacting my life the way my old dog Crimmy did. Also, I have full memory of Buddy's entire life, while Crimmy preceded me by a few years.
In both cases, I will always have a fond memory of my childhood and young adulthood living the first 28 years of my life with these two dogs. As I have developed a strong relationship with Jen's two cats (who are now "our cats" in my eyes), I hope to continue to have pets make such a strong impact on my life as they already have.
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